


Let The Light Enter Through The Wound

by pandashurley



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional pain, M/M, Sickness, caring Cas, physical manifestations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-08-08
Packaged: 2017-12-09 03:03:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 42,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandashurley/pseuds/pandashurley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester is about as emotionally repressed as they come, and everyone around him seems to know it at this point. When Cas brings him a gift, everything changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'm sorry this has taken so long. I figured it had been long enough, and I'll split this baby into chapters. It's marked as mature for language through most of it, and the last chapter does get a little freaky naughty so I'm on the fence about changing the rating. If people are offended, I'll bump it up to explicit!
> 
> **also, until I take this note down, this fic is under construction, which basically means that this was a first draft. I know I didn't give it my all, and it deserves more**

Not many people know what it's like to be truly loved, or how many kinds of love there are. There is the familial type of love; where someone loves you either because you're related or grew up together like you were. There is friendship love; where you just care so deeply about someone close to you, you almost wish they were family. There's new relationship love, where everything feels fuzzy and just ever so slightly out of focus compared to the sharpness of your new partner. There's soul mate love, that feeling of wholeness that just completes you, radiating from the crown of your head to the tips of your toes. There's unconditional love, where no matter what you do, someone loves you just for you. Love is everywhere. Permeating all things. Filling people with hope, courage, and letting them walk through their lives fearless and strong. Friends, lovers, family, it's so much easier to love other people than it is to accept that someone loves you. To see how brightly they shine, how they are your sole focus when they walk into a room. How someone you love can make you smile even when they're not in the room. Or even in the same state. Or continent. Or universe. Or plane of existence.

Dean Winchester didn't know any of these things. Dean knew about honor, duty, responsibility. He knew about debts, promises and obligations. Dean wasn't taught how to love, mostly because he wasn't shown much. His father had turned him into a guardian, into a protector when his mom died. John loved Dean, he really did. As much as any father could love his son. Though when Mary died, it was like the fountain of love he had in him dried up. So Dean became a protector like John had become a protector. He didn't have time to give into the soft warmth and fuzziness that came with love. At least not anymore. Dean became someone who could only express love through action instead of words. He had learned by example.

For instance: Instead of verbal praise for a hunt well done, John would pile extra fries onto Dean's plate at the diner they stopped at for dinner. Instead of a hug, it would be a warm lingering hand on his shoulder. John showed his love for Dean, the way Dean would eventually show his love for Sam. Though Dean was often willing to go one extra step to hug Sam close and tell him that everything was going to be okay, that Dad would be home soon. Because it was what Sam needed. Sam wasn't ever going to be a protector; he was going to be protected.

And smart. With Dean's constant encouragement, Sam always seemed to excel at his school work. But this story isn't about Sam, it's about Dean. Dean being the perfect tutor, staying up late and ignoring his own homework in favor of reading ahead in Sam's books to better help him the next day. Making sure he always had lunch or at least lunch money. Making sure that his clothes were always pristine, because Dean never minded the comments or rumors that kids would spread about him. Dean knew he would never be normal, so why bother trying to fit in with faceless people he didn't respect?

Under Dean's ever watchful eyes, Sam grew. He became a strong, independent person with dreams all his own. It was the second hardest blow Dean ever had to bear, when Sam said he was going to college. They had always been a trio; Dean had never planned on them not being a trio. Dean spent time trying to convince himself that Sam would always need him. John always told Dean he was useful, invaluable, but that never stopped him from being too hard or overly critical of Dean. John didn't need Dean, Dean didn't need John, but Dean loved Sam. After Sam left, Dean did too. Then Dean was alone. Drinking and fucking his way into trying to feel something like love again. It never really worked, so Dean focused on what he did best; killing things. Until John disappeared.

Dean was torn. After calling all of his dad's old friends, enemies and everything in between, there still weren't any leads. He was exhausted, frayed at the edges and desperate. So he crawled back to Sam. Then Jess died. Sam was devastated and Dean was convinced that it was all somehow his fault. Sam channeled his grief into vengeance, and Dean went back to protecting his brother.

Suddenly, the hunts had more meaning again. Dean had meaning again. Even through untold hardships, losses and a few different apocoli, Sam had Dean and Dean had Sam. Until Sam died and Dean sold his soul. They fell into literal and figurative Hells after both of them personally experienced death. Nothing was really the same after that for the Winchester brothers. Dean spiraled deep down into the darkness of guilt and spent time building up impossible walls to protect himself from others. Mostly to protect himself from himself. Even after an angel walked into his life through electric rain. Even when that angel put words to his darkest fears, Dean couldn't feel anything but failure.

How can a man so selfless be so self loathing? That answer comes from betrayal. From Sam, with the demon blood. The angel, Castiel, switching sides and almost falling. Ellen, Jo, Bobby. Loss, betrayal, suffering. Dean fell, and he fell hard. His brother and their ever watchful angel both looked on helplessly as Dean became increasingly reckless and even more dangerous because of it. Dean had it in his head that he was the problem, the reason for all their suffering. He didn't understand that without him, all of them would have been lost. Sadly, you can't say that to a man who believes his own weakness was the prevailing cause of the once impending apocalypse. So he decided that in penance, his life was meaningless and therefore he could willingly sacrifice himself to save everyone. Despite what any one of them thought.

So Dean soldiered on as the protector, the vigilante, the executioner. Always for Sam, and now sometimes, Castiel, even after the angel betrayed him. Sometimes family was family, despite the blood. It was an odd day when Dean realized that he cared about this angel. It was the realization that much of what Dean did for Sammy, he also did for Castiel. Though in a much more limited capacity considering Castiel could smite demons by touch alone. Which Dean had to admit, was one of the hottest things he had ever seen. They started getting closer, sharing knowledge and secrets. Dean couldn't believe the peace he felt around Castiel. The serenity and even the bare tastes of hope. Then, of course, Castiel went and lied to him. Again. Lessons are often learned the hard way, Dean had though as he blocked off that last little window of hope in the wall he had built. Riddled with trust issues, pain and the resolve to be alone, Dean pushed everyone away and left.

Dean didn't know it, but he was never alone. Cas was always there, watching over him, trying to prove to Dean the depth of their feelings for each other. That Dean didn't have to run anymore. Cas eventually fell into life as a human and Dean got new perspectives on the matter. Especially when Cas sacrificed his own sanity for Sam. Against his pessimistic nature, Dean allowed Cas to get close to him again. He now kept Sam at an odd distance, unsure and cautious. So Cas naturally took his spot, and ended up becoming someone almost as important. At least at the time.

Somewhere along the line, Dean realized he was starting to have feelings again. For a dude. For an angel who was also a dude. Not just the kind of protector love he had, but almost like Cas was a second Sammy. Dean showed what affection he could. Even though he didn't have to eat, sometimes Dean would offer to share his food with Cas. Sometimes his lack of knowledge on human interactions would be so funny; Dean would laugh until he hurt. Other times, Dean could see and feel the weight of pain settling over the angel's slim shoulders. Dean was never able to put words to what they were, what they had until Cas finally mentioned something about the two of them sharing a more profound bond, or some other archaic shit. Dean could see the hurt in Sam's face at Cas' admission, like he had been replaced and it had happened right under his nose. Dean almost wanted to apologize, but he didn't.

It wasn't until he was cracking his eyes open in the dim light of Purgatory that Dean fully realized his need for Cas. And he would be damned (again) if he lost Cas (...again). Cutting his way through untold monsters, Dean searched. While he searched, he killed and it felt good. It was funny how Dean felt more at home in Purgatory, surrounded by a never ending stream of monsters to kill, than he ever did back home. This was what he was raised for; this was what he had always been good at. At night, he would hide, trying to sleep but always talking to Cas. Telling him everything about that particular day, like they used to. It nearly killed him when Cas showed up the first time, hugging Dean close and talking with him for a while before touching two fingers to Dean's forehead and vanishing.

Dean couldn't believe it when he found Cas the first time, walking through the forest. Cas hugged him close, almost tenderly, before lifting two fingers and Dean was again left alone and confused. Dean was about to get seriously injured, possibly maimed, when Cas appeared to save him. They hugged and then with a simple touch, Dean forgot. Cas was keeping them apart on purpose, but Dean didn't know this. Cas kept stealing his memories when he left, keeping Dean focused on Sam and not the broken angel he was now. Then Dean found him at the bank of the river and he said it. Dean told Cas he needed him. Unbeknownst to Dean, that's all that Cas needed to hear. One night, Cas pulled Dean aside, away from Benny, and their ramshackle camp. Pressing two fingers to Dean's forehead, hopefully for the last time while they were here, he let all of the blocked memories surge forward.

Dean choked back tears, finally seeing how many times he had found Castiel. How many times he had seen the memories. How memory!Cas was explaining that he was doing this for Dean's own good. That Dean should be focusing on escaping, on leaving Cas behind despite the nights of fevered touches, the breathless kisses and the whispers of devotion. When Dean was finally able to look at Cas, the real Cas standing in front of him, the angel's impossible blue eyes were shining with pain. Dean begged for Cas to let him remember this time, that he didn't want to forget any of it anymore. Dean pulled Cas close and kissed him. But Cas ended up being the one to let go, and Dean only had the faint ghosts of memories when he finally breathed the tangy air of the mortal plane again.

Suffocated by the guilt of leaving Cas behind and almost breaking under all the loneliness he felt, Dean undid a year’s worth of work, retreating back into himself and hitting the bottle harder than ever. When Cas finally showed up, dirty, hairy and in a way that was more stalkerish than intended, Dean almost sobbed out of relief. Not caring how he got out of Purgatory, Dean held him close, almost instinctually. Dean knew now there wasn't a force in the whole universe that could keep them apart. Unfortunately, Dean wasn't counting himself. This settles us about here: Dean, sitting at one of the long tables in the library staring at an open computer screen, searching for some weirdness to attract them and get them out of this bunker.

Living in a bunker was different, at least in the way time seemed to pass. There weren't really windows, most of the place being lit by a giant generator that was surprisingly technologically forward for when it was built. The two weeks they had spent hiding out here seemed to travel too fast, still making them hiss and spit over dramatically at sunlight when they finally emerged from their hibernation. Dean often spent time wondering if Cas would approve of their new home. There were so many rooms, they could have housed every hunter they ever met. Though reflection on this fact was high avoided due to Dean trying to turn over a new leaf and start drinking less. This had meant a general ban on all emotional talk, which was harder for Sam than Dean. Especially after all the shit the two boys had been through lately. Including their grandfather dying in Sam's arms like a bad version of the Twilight Zone. Still, they both found themselves slipping back into a facade of normality. It might have been post-apocalyptic (literally) normality, but it was so much better than motel hopping.

"Morning." Dean grumbled, hearing Sam's tell-tale approach, his attentions still focused on the computer.

"What time did you make it to bed last night?" Dean asked as Sammy's disheveled visage sat down in front of him. "Dude, you look like shit. Though I'm hardly surprised. You seem bound and determined to read every stinking book in this place." Dean chided as he closed his laptop.

"Someone has to." Sam yawned, scrubbing his face with his hand. "Besides, Dean, without Bobby... we're kind of just left with Dad's journal and what we've picked up over the years. I figured a little extra knowledge wouldn't hurt." Sam stretched, before standing and drifting over to the open kitchen like area they had set up. Basically, a coffee maker and a discarded mini fridge they had found. "Any word?" Sam asked quietly, like he was afraid to broach the subject. He turned back around to Dean and sat down at the table, hot black coffee clutched in his hands.

"No." Dean said with a heavy sigh.

"Do you think we should be worried?" Sam asked, the same level of cautiousness in his voice.

"You heard what he said the last time we saw him, he's helping people." Dean answered with a shrug.

"That's not really an answer, Dean." Sam scolded.

"He's a tough angel. I'm sure he's fine." Dean lied, trying to make himself believe it at the same time. Sam just sighed and turned his attentions back to his coffee, knowing better than to press the matter. They both sat in silence for a moment, Sam sipping softly and Dean contemplating the words he had just so blatantly strung together. Suddenly, Dean shifted and clapped his hands together. Sam jumped at the break of silence, scowling at Dean only to be met with a big white smile.

"Whaddya say, Sammy? Breakfast? Lunch? What time is it anyway?" Dean asked, looking at his naked wrist where his watch should have been. He hadn't started taking it off at night until they moved in here, so he was still forgetting it wasn't permanently attached to his wrist anymore. Sam chuckled, digging his phone out of his robe pocket.

"It's like 10:30, so like... whatever." Sam smiled and shrugged.

"Well, if I remember right, we still have stuff for pancakes." Dean said as he pushed himself up from the table. Sam beamed at him, causing a small chuckle to rise out of Dean as he turned and started walking toward the kitchen.

Dean always knew that Sam could read him like a book. Dean knew Sam knew he was lying. What Sam didn't know were the constant phrases knocking around in his head. More starkly than most was Cas' recent confession of suicidal thoughts. Dean knew the deal about suicide. Taking one's own life was basically a signature for a one way ticket to Hell. Cas was willing to send himself there. The one place Dean didn't know if he could be rescued from. The guy was basically Lazarus, but in a sense, they all were. They had all escaped the surly mortal coils of life and had seen all of what was on the other side. Or at least Dean had. Shaking away the memories of purgatory, Dean started pulling the ingredients for pancakes out of the fridge and cupboards.

It wasn't the first time Dean had found his thoughts lingering on the subject of his missing angel. It wasn't even so much that he was missing, it was his behavior that was more concerning to Dean. The last couple of times Dean had seen him, Cas had looked... Beaten. He had looked so beaten and weak and just so heartbroken. Dean had to resist so many times to just pull him into a hug and tell him it was going to be okay, like he used to do with Sam. That's not how it probably would have come off anyway, Dean mused as he shrugged away the thought. Dean would have had to explain why he was giving Cas a hug, and Dean shuddered at the awkwardness of the thought alone. No, not a hug. But Dean was really missing Cas, and the pervading sense of peace that came with him.

Even though Dean always had Sam, there was something different. Dean started mixing together the ingredients and let his mind slip softly from his angel to his work. He was almost itching for a hunt. He was bored and wanted something to do, and anything would be better than nothing. Maybe Cas would be able to find them, if he ever decided to pick up his damn phone. During their last meeting, Dean had gotten Cas a new phone. Though he wasn't sure if Cas had ever turned the damn thing on. Pouring some batter into the frying pan, Dean started humming chords from Led Zeppelin and falling into his Perfect Pancake Zen. He didn't notice Sam join him in the kitchen. He only noticed when he heard the clatter of plates being dug out of the cabinet, passing them to Dean to serve them both. Walking back out to the library, the brothers sat down to breakfast.

"You know, I'm kinda getting worried about him, Dean. Maybe we should go topside for a while..." Sam suggested, finishing his pancakes and pushing the plate away.

"Yeah, man. Plus, I could use some serious fresh air." Dean responded with a shrug.

"Dean..." Sam started with a sigh. Dean crossed his arms over his chest, lifting one sarcastic eyebrow at Sam. "I know we're never going to talk about it, but its okay to miss Cas." Sam offered quietly. Dean snorted and shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "You mean something to each other, and I'm sure he misses you too." Sam finished in almost a murmur.

"He's an angel, Sam. I don't think he even thinks about me." Dean trying, lying to brush away the nagging feeling of hope creeping up his spine.

"Everything is changing, Dean. And maybe, for once, it won't be horrible. There are people out there that care about you..." Sam started, only pausing when he hears Dean's sarcastic laughter. Looking curiously at his brother, Sam watched the laughter fade behind the mask Dean had fixed on his face. Passive, emotionless.

"There were." Dean murmured as he pushed himself up from the table, turning toward his room. Sam knew better than to try and argue with Dean. Dean was more than relieved when Sam let him go peacefully, not trying to put up a fight or trying to get the last word. All he heard during his almost shameful retreat was a decidedly dejected sigh echoing softly in the space behind him.

Slipping into his room and closing the door softly behind him, Dean pressed his back up against the door, struggling to breathe. The guilt, the despair, sometimes it was all consuming. Feeling like heavy black hands clenching around his heart and lungs, Dean gasped softly. He often wondered if this is what it felt like to drown. He had always heard it was something more peaceful. Closing his eyes and doing his best to think relaxing thoughts, Dean started thinking about Cas.

Dean had never had a panic attack on a hunt, but when he was alone, it seemed like all he could do was tell himself to keep breathing. When Cas had been around, they hadn't been much of a problem. Not nearly like what they were now. Dean needed Cas to come back so badly, mostly because just thinking about him wasn't giving him the sense of peace he needed. Cas made him sharper, made him focus better. Taking another deep breath, Dean's mind drifted back to Purgatory. Sometimes, this would trigger a whole new panic attack but it was different. He wasn't remembering it the same.

The clearest memories from Purgatory were the killing of random monsters and when he had found Cas crouching by the river, filthy and scruffy and terrified to see Dean. Dean hugged him close, but through flashes he couldn't quite grasp, it felt like that wasn't the only time. Trying to pull up a clearer image in his own mind, the memory broke and faded away like smoke. Defeated, Dean opened his eyes and cleared his throat. It was time to get out of here, fresh air would do him and Sammy some serious good. Besides, every day he had to stare at the blank half of his wall was another stab in the heart.  
**********  
 _"Castiel." Her voice was soft and warm, settling comfortably back in the corners of Castiel's mind. "How are you?" She asked, standing from behind her clean glass desk. Castiel was still blinking against the shock white of the room, hissing at the contraction of his pupils._

_"What do you want now?" Castiel gritted through clenched teeth, his hands balling into fists._

_"I want to congratulate you on a job well done." She said with a smile. "As well as issue your new assignment." Her voice was sweet, that kind of endearing that quickly melted into pity, trying to illicit a guilt response out of Castiel._

_"You forced me to kill my brother. It deserves no congratulations. Now tell me what you want so I may leave." Castiel was struggling to contain his anger, his voice clipped and quiet._

_"He was a traitor. Just another example of your allegiances failing you, Castiel. Why do you think that is?" She asked, leaning back on the glass desk before folding her arms over her chest._

_"Evil has a way of tricking the ignorant." Castiel bit out harshly, refusing to make eye contact with the woman, Naomi._

_"And the weak minded." Naomi filled in curtly. "Which is why we now turn our attentions to the Winchesters." Naomi said darkly. Castiel's head snapped up, a look of sadness combined with shock twisting deep into his human face._

_"No. Not them." Castiel almost begged. "Not me. Get someone else if you want to go after the Winchesters." Castiel pleaded._  
 _"They would never trust an outsider the way they trust you." Naomi replied, stepping closer to Castiel. "And frankly, my dear, you aren't in any position to deny me." Naomi said as she lifted one finger and pressed it into the middle of Castiel's forehead roughly. Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A human reaction to stress._

_"I'm not going to kill them." Castiel gritted out through clenched teeth._

_"Not directly, no." Naomi said as she removed herself from Castiel's personal space, crossing back around to her desk. "But you are going to give Dean this..." Suddenly, an overly ornately carved wooden box was sitting on the edge of Naomi's desk. Caressing the box, Naomi flipped the top of it open, hiding Castiel's view of its contents. It seemed as if a faint light was emitting from the inside of the box. Castiel watched as she reached inside and he instinctively curled into himself slightly for protection from whatever might happen. With a high hum, probably something human ears couldn't sense, Castiel found himself staring at a small amulet dangling from Naomi's fist. Castiel couldn't help but stare. Whatever this was, it had been fashioned to look like Dean's old God medallion, only made of crystal and not bronze._

_"What is it?" Castiel asked, his eyes never leaving the dangling piece of jewelry._

_"Call it a token of faith. A mending gesture. You are going to give this to Dean, Castiel. As a gift." Naomi explained as she crossed back to Castiel, holding the amulet close to his face for Castiel's inspection._

_"I do not know if he will accept this from me." Castiel stammered quietly, holding his hand out flat, waiting to feel the stone and cord pool into his palm._

_"He will because he trusts you, Castiel. He needs you. You, above all other things, are his deepest weakness." Naomi nearly whispered. Castiel knew she had chosen those words specifically to hurt him, that no matter his protests, it was all true. He was Dean's only weakness besides his brother, Sam. "Sam is too busy destroying himself to concern me." She said as if she had seen his direct line of thought._

_"What will happen?" Castiel asked softly, almost hypnotized by the ever so slightly swaying amulet._

_"A curse. A sickness. Dean Winchester will be undone by the weight of himself." Naomi explained, finally letting the cold crystal touch Castiel's palm. It was surprisingly heavy, and Castiel could feel the curse hidden inside. "It won't take long." She said with a smile, closing Castiel's fingers around the necklace._

_"Can he be cured?" Castiel asked, automatically sliding the necklace into one of his trench coats over large pockets._

_"Yes, but we both know Dean will never accept what is necessary to be saved." Naomi informed him with a wicked and knowing smile before resuming her seat back behind her desk._

_"If Dean dies, you know I will end you, Naomi." Castiel's voice was low, his eyes fixed in a piercing stare on Naomi's face._

_"By the time you remember that I had any involvement, it will be too late. For either of you." Naomi returned calmly. "Now, off you go." She said with one last smile before Castiel found himself standing in the middle of a field._ Something itched in the back of his mind. He needed to find Dean, find Sam and get back to hunting things with them. Adjusting himself slightly, Cas noticed the slightest change of weight inside one of his pockets. Reaching in, his fingers tangled into a cord. Pulling it out of his pocket, Cas gasped at the resemblance to Dean's old medallion; the one he had to unwillingly handed over to Cas when Cas had been blinded by searching for his absentee father. He had given it back to Dean, but the last time he had heard of it, it was in some non-descript motel trashcan.

The sun glinted off the clear crystal, throwing rainbows onto the grass behind it. Cas cracked a soft smile, before wondering where he had found such a thing. When the little voice in the back of his mind told him not to worry, Cas pocketed the new amulet. Not really knowing when the last time was that Cas had seen the Winchester brothers, he had no idea where to start looking. Deciding that a walk in the sunshine would probably do him good, Cas chose a random direction and began to walk.  
**********  
"Well, Sammy. Any idea where we should go?" Dean asked, a loud thump echoing in the space as he threw his bag down on one of the long, elegant tables.

"Considering we're basically taking a vacation from our own home, no, not really." Sam shrugged, checking through his own bag one more time. He was throwing in random books here and there, most of them looking like tomes he had already started in on.

"No hunts? No word from anyone?" Dean asked again. It didn't make sense to just leave without anywhere to go. Sam shrugged, zipping his bag closed.

"Let's pick a random state and head there, maybe something will pop up." Sam offered, walking around the room and clicking off any unnecessary lights.

"We haven't been to the Northwest in a while." Dean said thoughtfully, hitching his bag up over his shoulder and heading for the door. "How does a cabin and some nice, relaxing Bigfoot tracking sound. I'm sure you've got the mating call down..." Dean chuckled.

"Ha ha, Dean." Sam replied sarcastically. "Samsquatch. I get it." He finished dryly.

"Oh come on, Sammy, I don't see you pitching anything." Dean chided.

"Well, where's one place you've always wanted to go but never been?" Sam asked, following Dean out the door and into the daylight. Dean smiles and tosses Sam the keys, locking up the bunker behind them.

"I guess I've always wanted to go to Yellowstone." Dean said, jogging up behind Sam to throw his bag in the trunk of the Impala and sneak the keys away from Sam.

"Didn't we do that once?" Sam asked, crossing around to the passenger side of the car and clambering inside.

"Yeah, Dad was hunting another wendigo. You know, back before everything got fucking complicated." Dean grunted, piling himself behind the steering wheel.

"And we never went back?" Sam asked, settling himself automatically for the long drive ahead.

"Never really saw the need. What do ya say, Sammy? I have a terrible need to do some camping. Wilderness, that kind of thing." Dean turned the key and the engine roared to live, causing the tell tale smile to cross Dean's face.

"Sure, Dean." Sam answered with a slightly sad smile of his own. Sam knew there was something wrong with him, especially after that first trial. Rather than tell Dean where he was more liable to get angry, Sam had been more or less waiting for an opportunity like this. Sam just prayed that he wouldn't cough up any more blood in the car while they were driving. It would certainly put a damper on things.

The drive from Lebanon to Yellowstone took them a lot shorter than they had anticipated, especially when Dean was set on not staying in a motel, but rather a cabin. Luck was with them apparently, finding out that there was one cabin left on the camping grounds when they arrived late that evening. Dean paid for up to a week, and wasn't regretting it when they saw where the cabin was. Granted, it was night, but the cabin they drove up to was isolated and incredibly beautiful. It was serene. It was everything that Dean was hoping for. They even had two separate bedrooms for once.

They had stopped outside of the park at a market, gathering as much food and other provisions as they thought they would need. Thankfully, the cabin had running water (hot and cold, thank gods) and Dean unloaded about half of their haul before sneaking off to the shower. Sam hadn't protested or complained, so Dean turned on the water almost as hot as it would go and proceeded to wash the 12 hour drive off of his skin.

Closing his eyes and tilting his head under the spray, Dean felt himself relax. It was nice being out of the bunker, even though it was now their home. He couldn't stop thinking about how much he needed this, how he needed to stop staring at the achingly blank half of his wall. How he unconsciously slept closer to one side of the bed than the other. The half finished prayers, left whispered and unsure if they were heard by anyone. Dean sighed, pouring shampoo into his palm. Cas would love it here. That crazy angel was always a freak for nature and Dean knew that the view would be breathtaking once the sun rose. Hell, he might even rise to meet it.

Smiling and soaping up his hair, Dean started humming a few bars of Smoke on the Water, listening to Sam bang around in the kitchen. He must have taken it upon himself to put everything away. It was a fair trade, Sam would unload and Dean would cook. After the burgers and a half dozen other things Dean had thrown together, Sam had left the cooking solely in Dean's surprisingly capable hands. He was nesting, or so he said. Dean decided that the next time he saw Cas, they were making burgers.

Dean took his time in cleaning the rest of himself, not wanting to waste a single moment of his sudden alone time. Every so often, flashes from Purgatory would echo in his mind. Grayscale, like the beginning of the Wizard of Oz. Like you know it's supposed to be in color, but it's not. Dean was already forgetting the crystalline blue of Cas' eyes, but the echoes of what he heard was what his focus had turned to. Some of the words were garbled, like an old record trying to play your favorite song just one more time. It was muted, some of the words silent, but Dean had been replaying everything in his head, trying to read the angels lips.

It wasn't nearly as easy as he thought. There was so much, he could feel it. There was so much he just couldn't pull free, so much he couldn't see except for brief flashes of Cas, of blood, of Benny. Shaking himself out of his own thoughts, Dean rinsed one last time and shut off the water. Opening the door to the bathroom, Dean heard Sam ticking away at the keyboard on his computer and heard the rustle of paper before disappearing into his own room. It was almost 11pm, but Dean was starving. Diner food didn't seem to stick to his ribs as much as it used to, and Dean grimaced as a wave of hunger rolled through his belly. Throwing on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, Dean walked back out into the main part of the cabin.

"Hungry?" Dean asked, popping open the fridge and taking a look around. It would be something small, like a sandwich or something for them to share.

"I could eat." Sam responded, flipping a page back and forth before typing furiously into his computer.

"Sam, did you bring all that stuff to hole yourself up in here to keep doing research?" Dean asked, pulling out the makings for a triple meat and cheese sandwich.

"There's a lot to catalogue, Dean. I just..." Sam paused, sighing.

"Just what?" Dean asked, starting to pile together Sam's sandwich. He was a big boy, he needed a big sandwich, Dean thought with a smile.

"I'm trying to translate this stuff, just in case you ever need it." Sam said quietly before going back to reading and typing.

"Why would I need translations when I got you, Sammy?" Dean asked with a laugh, sliding the plate over to Sam before starting on his own sandwich.

"I dunno, Dean. Maybe if something happens, like if I get kidnapped or something." Sam shrugged, pushing his work aside for the much more appetizing food in front of him.

"You haven't been getting kidnapped nearly as much these days, Sammy. Besides, I think shooting my way in is a lot more effective than chanting my way in." Dean smiled and bit into his own food.

"Things can always change, Dean." Sam responded knowingly, biting into his sandwich.

“That sounds a bit ominous, don’t you think?” Dean asked between bites.

“I just think it would be a good idea for you to have some extra stuff, just in case.” Sam said in-between bites with a shrug.

“This is awesome by the way.” He half smiled.

“I have a feeling that there’s something you’re not telling me, Sammy.” Dean said, suddenly serious. Sam took another bite to keep his mouth occupied. “I don’t like being lied to, Sam.” Dean said sternly, putting his sandwich down on his plate before focusing all of his attentions onto his brother.

"Dean, if there was something to tell you, don't you think I would have already?" Sam asked, finishing off his food. Dean smiled softly, not wanting to call out his brother on the obvious lie. He didn't want to take the chance of getting called out himself.

"Yeah, I'm sure you would, Sammy." Dean said softly, turning his attentions back to his food and letting all of their unsaid words vanish behind the soft click of Sam's typing. Finishing his sandwich, Dean grabbed both the plates and left them in the sink to wash in the morning. Bidding a soft goodnight to his brother, Dean retreated and locked the door behind him. Taking a deep breath, Dean pushed away the coming panic attack at being alone. It was stupid to feel this way, this insecure. He bit back a frustrated scream and pushed himself roughly away from the door, collapsing full body onto the bed. This bed wasn't nearly as comfortable as his own, but it was damn better than any motel peice of shit mattress. Flipping onto his back, Dean sighed staring up into the dark ceiling.

"Cas? Man, I don't even know if you're listening anymore." Dean sat up and scooted toward the edge of the bed. "I miss you man, I really do. And I..." Dean bit his lip and chewed on it a second before sighing in defeat and starting again. "I keep remembering things. Flashes. I don't know what they mean and I need your help." Dean whispered. "Come on, Cas. Where are you?" Dean asked the empty room, flopping back down on the bed. It wasn't even midnight but Dean could tell sleep wouldn't come easy, if it came at all. Dean waiting until he heard another door shut before sneaking out of his own room. Grabbing a six pack out of the fridge and his jacket, Dean went out back and sat on the porch, watching the moon move through the sky.

Dean always tried to stay out of his own head as much as possible, especially lately. It was easier to push down the pain, the feelings than it was to actually deal with them. He had been doing better, drinking less, but still denying himself the ability to move forward. It was almost like he was waiting for something to happen, waiting for something to snap him awake enough to realize what a blessing life actually was. Right now, he was a sacrficial lamb looking for the right alter to lay himself down on. Sam had recklessly stumbled into his most recent chance, killing that Hellhound himself. Crowley was gonna be pissed. Dean smirked, popping open another beer and watching a few stars streak through the sky.

"The way your atmosphere makes the stars look is quite unparralleled from my normal vantage point." A dark voice murmured. Dean jumped, his attentions snapping towards what was once another empty deck chair. Castiel was sitting there, his features barely illuminated by the shining moonlight.

"Fucking... Cas, damnit. I told you to stop that!" Dean scolded through a smile he couldn't seem to help.

"I am sorry, Dean." Cas murmured and Dean could hear a weak smile in his voice.

"Where have you been, man?" Dean asked, setting his beer down and scooting forward in his seat. His muscles screamed from the cold and lack of movement but he ignored it.

"Many places, Dean. I've seen many things." Cas said as he glanced over at Dean. Dean sucked in a breath, sure that Cas' blue eyes were almost glowing in the dark. Sometimes it was easy to forget that Cas was as supernatural as they came. They settled into silence after a moment, Dean finally breathing easy now that his angel was around.

"Why are you in the woods, Dean?" Cas finally asked.

"Me and Sammy wanted an escape. Well, I did mostly." Dean shrugged, picking up his beer again.

"You picked a beautiful place." Cas said, looking around him curiously.

"I didn't really pick it." Dean shrugged, finishing his beer and popping open another. "So what are you doing here?" Dean asked, settling himself back into his chair.

"I've been looking for you. I found something." Cas said, pushing himself to standing.

"What, like a case? Man, I've been itching to gank something..." Dean muttered, his breath catching slightly as Cas stepped toward him.

"No, not a case. Something more significant." Cas smiled at him softly and Dean was surprised he could see it in the darkness. It only just occured to him that the sun was starting to rise. Dean paused, watching Cas dig into one of his pockets. Holding up a fist, Dean was surprised to see something drop from the clenched digits and hang there in the predawn air.

"My... my medallion?" Dean whispered, looking at it closely. It couldn't be. The last place he saw that damn thing was at the bottom of a trash can, but it wasn't his. It wasn't his medallion... it was different. Clear and slightly more shiney, it wasn't made from brass or gold or whatever the last one was made of.

"Of sorts." Cas said, not moving. Dean finally caught up to speed, holding out his hand for the necklace.

"Where... where did you get this?" Dean shivered as the crystal touched his palm, it was almost oddly cold. Maybe there was some kind of protective charm cast on it, Dean thought with a shrug. Holding it up toward the growing light, Dean was amazed at the level of detail. It looked exactly the same, save for the fact it was a completely different material. Cas was still standing in front of him, smiling warmly but oddly quiet. Dean smiled up at him, slipping the necklace over his neck.

_"I gave it to him, what do I do now?" Castiel asks Naomi, unsure of his next move. "Where did I get it?" Castiel asks again, almost in a panic._

_"Tell him you found it somewhere. Easy enough." Naomi responds calmly, not even bothering to look at Castiel. "And you're going to stay with him, Castiel. You need to be sure this works."_

"Somewhere far away, I would assume." Cas said with confusion, like he wasn't entirely sure what he was saying. Dean pressed a hand over it, feeling a welcome weight against his chest again.

"You don't know?" Dean asked, slightly suspicious. It wasn't that he couldn't trust Cas, it was that he couldn't seem to trust anyone else in this world.

"I could have picked it up anywhere, Dean. Does it matter that much?" Cas asked, a little more roughly than usual. It was as if he was annoyed with the line of questioning Dean was directing at him. Dean lifted two hands in mock self defense.

"Sorry I asked, whoa." Dean huffed, finishing his last beer. "So what are your plans now, buddy?" Dean asked warmly, hoping that Cas would be sticking around. Hoping that he could finally get some peace, some quiet and maybe, some god damn answers.

"I have..." Cas screwed up his face like he was thinking really hard. Bringing up his hands, Cas airquoted around his next works. "'Vacation Time' lined up." Cas finished with a smile. Dean smiled, looking into the warm rosey sky that was signaling the suns imminent approach.

"Then you, me and Sammy can all have a little vacay together." Dean said, finally standing and pulling Cas into a warm hug. Cas stood awkwardly, clenched in Dean's arms but Dean could feel the human muscles in his arms twitching, wanting to respond. "Sammy's asleep though..." Dean murmured. It was all Cas needed, apparently and Dean sighed happily into the now shared hug.

Dean pulled away, but their bodies were still touching and Dean couldn't help staring at the face that he had only seen in his dreams. He doubted he would ever be able to put words to all the feelings of loneliness, emptiness and heartache that followed Cas' sudden disappearance, but all that faded as the world sort of disappeared around them. Cas' breath was shallow, almost nervous and Dean was itching to do something, he just didn't know what.

"Have you slept?" Cas asked quietly, and Dean's focus was pretty much all over the shapes Cas' lips were making as he said the words. Dean mearly shook his head in response. Silence fell between them again, the sky around them getting lighter. Dean doubted that Sam would be up anytime soon, but he didn't want to risk breaking this moment. Even though neither of them were moving. There was a tension in the air that seemed impossible to break, mostly because neither of them were willing to make the first move.

"It's uh... It's good to see you." Dean stammered awkwardly, doing anything to break the silence.

"I feel much the same..." Cas almost whispered. Dean groaned inwardly, there had to be some way to break this tension. It was like there was a nagging voice in the back of his head, begging him to move that fraction of an inch closer.

"Dean!" Sam's loud voice seemed to echo, snapping them both out of whatever trance they were in. Dean cursed at Sam's impeccible timing, pulling himself away from Cas slightly and turning toward the main area of the cabin. It wasn't before long that Sam found them, a look of shock crossing his face as he looked at Cas.

"Morning, Sammy. Didn't think you'd be up so early." Dean said with a fake smile plastered onto his face.

"Yeah, hey, morning." Sam said, distracted. "Cas, man..." Sam was surprisingly at a loss for words.

"It's good to see you, Sam." Cas supplied warmly. Sam looked to Dean for some explination, but Dean just shrugged.

"I couldn't sleep, I was out here waiting for the sun to rise and he just sort of popped in." Dean smiled, and for the first time in a long time it was genuine. Clapping his hand onto Cas' shoulder, Dean just looked the angel over and beamed. "Says he has some vacay time, I told him he could stay here with us. Maybe come back to the bunker?" The question was more directed to Cas' interest than for Sam's permission. Cas responded with a small smile, shuffling awkwardly in front of both of the brothers.

"Sounds good to me. Are we doing breakfast or are you gonna hit the sack for a few hours?" Sam asked Dean, smiling at Cas. They had both missed the angel, but Sam knew that Dean's feelings were deeper than his own.

"I'm sure you can handle breakfast yourself, Sammy. I think I'm gonna catch a nap." Dean said, suddenly tired and feeling an ache deep in his bones. It was an expected feeling for not sleeping after a 13 hour drive. He felt a cold sensation wash over him as he took his hand from Cas' shoulder and stretched.

"You want something to eat, Cas?" Sam asked as they all walked back inside the cabin. Dean smiled and detoured to his own room, closing the door behind him. Smiling, he stripped off his jacket, made sure the curtains were closed as much as they could be and Dean greatfully collapsed onto the bed, not even bothering with the covers. He was asleep before he even hit the pillow.

Dean groaned when he woke up a few hours later. His body was stiff and achy and something felt like it was sitting on his face. Pushing himself up, Dean was hit by a wave of dizziness, causing him to falter and still on the bed. Once the room stopped spinning, Dean full out moaned, cursing lightly under his breath. Just his damn luck to catch a cold in the middle of nowhere on vacation. Grumbling, Dean wrapped himself up in the blanket and walked out to the living room.

He couldn't help but smile walking into the main part of the cabin. Cas was reading out of one of Sam's books he had brought along, first in an almost unintelligible Middle Eastern sounding language, and then dictating the translation to Sam. It was nice to see the two of them getting along. Dean sneezed and Sam and Cas snapped their heads up to look at him, both with almost identical looks of concern on their faces.

"Do I look that bad?" Dean asked thickly, with a chuckle that almost turned into a coughing fit.

"How the hell did you get sick?" Sam asked, pushing himself away from the computer and walking over to look at Dean.

"We may destroy the impossible, Sam, but we are still human." Dean grumbled sarcastically. "Cas? Little help?" Dean asked softly. Cas stood and slowly walked over to Dean, doing that creepy deep stare he usually does when he's concentrating.

"I am not sure what is ailing you, Dean, but it doesn't seem like something I can heal." Cas had stopped approaching Dean about three steps away. Dean was surprised. Usually the angel was all kinds of breaking personal boundaries, and yet a common cold is keeping him at arms length?

"It's the common fucking cold, Cas. I don't want it ruining my vacation..." Dean paused, suddenly feeling nausous and dizzy at the same time. Sam reached out a hand, ready to hold him but placing it on Dean's shoulder to steady him instead.

"Either way, Dean. You're going back to bed. You've only been asleep for like 4 hours. Go get some real rest." Sam said with a worried smile.

"Whatever. You two nerds can stroke each other's brains or whatever." Dean said tiredly. Sam made a move to lead him back to the bedroom until he felt Cas' featherlight touch on his shoulder.

"I will make sure Dean goes back to sleep, Sam. Continue translating, I will be back shortly." Cas smiled softly and wasted no time in offering his arm to Dean, who stared at the crooked elbow like he couldn't believe this was actually happening.

"I'm not a fucking damsel in distress here, Cas." Dean said, leaning heavy against Sam as the room started spinning again.

"No, you're not. But if my assessment was correct, you're experiencing disequilibrium. I am offering assistance. I don't think Sam or myself desire to pick you up off the floor and carry you to bed." Cas said in his usual matter of fact tone. Sam just chuckled as he kept right on reading and talking. Dean frowned and grudgingly grabbed onto Cas' arm. It was surprisingly stable and comforting in Dean's current condition. Shuffling as fast as he could, Dean followed Cas as he led them both back to Dean's bedroom. If Dean weren't currently dying of the common cold, this moment would have held a different sort of significance.

Instead, Dean collapsed happily back onto the bed before hearing a slightly frustrated sigh and felt strong arms flipping him over. Again, not in the right state of mind to be appreciating how perfect spank bank material this would inevitably become. Dean sighed as Cas more or less pulled him onto his pillow before tucking him in. Dean half expected a kiss on the forehead before the angel left his bedside. Instead as a much lesser surprise, Cas grabbed the handmade looking wooden chair at the desk and carried it back over to Dean's side of the bed.

"You don't have to stay, man..." Dean slurred, a sudden wave of exhaustion rolling through him.

"Don't worry, Dean." Came the soft, almost loving reply. "You will always have angels watching over you." Dean tried to reply, but instead found himself drowning in the blackness of sleep.

_"Well done, Castiel." Her silky voice was as welcome as nails scraping on a chalkboard. "Now all that's left is to wait..." She said with a small smile._

_"What is happening, Naomi?" Castiel asked, his eyes widening at the sudden epiphany of Dean._

_"You did as instructed, Castiel. Soon, the Winchesters will be out of our way." Her smile was slightly wider now. Castiel felt his eyes narrow. A hot flash of anger surged through him, causing a small snarl to cross his face in response._

_"No." It was a low, protective growl. Castiel even felt for a moment more animal than human. "I will not allow this." His face stayed snarling, even when Naomi had the audacity to laugh._

_"Do your worst." Naomi stated flatly, the smile erasing from her face as quickly as it had arrived. Castiel smirked. "Go on.." She added with a little flick of her wrist._

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

When Dean finally pulled himself back into consciousness, he severely wished that he hadn't. His whole body ached, his head was pounding and it felt like there was an elephant on top of his chest. Coughing deeply, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a warm hand on his still clothed shoulder.

"Fuck... Cas..." His voice was deep and raspy. Bringing him eyes up, he met a smiling face and a hand holding out a large glass of orange juice.

"You've been asleep almost 18 hours. I had assumed you had forgotten I was here." Dean could have sworn he saw the angel blush, but it couldn't be. He was hallucinating from a fever or something. God, speaking of fever, he realized that he was soaked. He must have been sweating the whole time he had been asleep.

"Damn, dude..." Dean rasped, pushing himself more upright and grabbing for the orange juice. Gulping it down thankfully, he drained the glass before speaking again. "Didn't you or Sammy try to wake me up or something?" Dean asked, grateful for the sudden rush of fluid and nutrients in his system. It felt warm and cold at the same time, causing Dean to shiver slightly. Cas looked at him with some concern and a little smile crossed his lips.

"Yes, Dean. We both tried. You were..." Cas paused. " 'Dead to the World' as Sam put it." He finished with a smile. Dean tried to smile back, but just breathing hurt at the moment.

"Fuck, Cas. What the hell is wrong with me?" Dean groaned.

_"Don't say a word, Castiel." Her harsh tone sharply commanded._

_"I will not allow this." Castiel growled._

"What?" Dean asked. Cas's eyes were unfocused, but his fists were clenched. "Not allow what, Cas?" Dean asked, trying to meet Cas' eyeline.

_"Even if you were to tell him, what good would it do?" Naomi mocked._

_"I can help him." Castiel said sternly, trying to disguise the hope laced in his voice._

"Help him? Who's him?" Dean asked a little louder. Dean had no idea what time it was, but Sammy was bound to run in here at all the commotion Dean was suddenly making.

_"You're pathetic, Castiel. Can't you see what this common human has made you do? All of your brothers and sisters, all of the destruction... Dean caused it all." Naomi pleaded with him. "He was the one that tore you from the path, your Father's plan. You failed because of Dean Winchester, Castiel." She explained, advancing closer to him. Castiel was digging his nails into his palms, unaware that blood was dripping from his closed fists._

Dean glanced at the floor after hearing the blood drip echo through the small cabin room. Cas was stuck in some kind of trance, and whatever was happening wasn't good. He had tried shouting, but had only ended up in several coughing fits. He was running out of options. He had even tried slapping the angel a few times, but it only ended with an aching hand.

_"I will save him, Naomi. And then we're all coming for you." Castiel said confidently before tearing himself away from the brutal white prison._

"Who the fuck is Naomi?" Dean was shouting. Cas had snapped back, his eyes finally meeting with Dean's. Cas felt panic start to creep up his spine and an overwhelming urge to disappear filled him. "Don't you fucking dare, Cas. Don't you fucking disappear on me right now. Tell me what the fuck is going on with you!" Dean had pulled himself up to sitting, fighting off both dizziness and nausea. Cas glanced around for some kind of escape before stilling himself.

"Dean, I have to go." Cas pleaded quietly.

"Tell me what's going on first. Please, Cas. I need you to tell me." Dean nearly pleaded himself. Trying to stave back tears of exhaustion, Dean blinked and couldn't stop himself from reaching out and grabbing Cas' wrist. A futile attempt to get him to stay, mostly because he could just evaporate, but Dean was hoping the contact would stop him, even for a moment. Wide blue eyes met his in shock at the feeling of contact between them.

"I will tell you everything, I promise. I have something to find out." Cas whispered. Even in a whisper, it had the husky texture that Dean couldn't get enough of.

"Cas, please." Dean tightened his grip. "I can't lose you again." He whispered. Cas closed his eyes and laid his free hand over Dean's and squeezing slightly.

"I'll be back." Cas responded quietly. There was a slight flutter in the air and Dean was left with an empty hand and nothing to look at but an empty chair. Swallowing back tears, Dean pushed himself to standing. Swaying under the vertigo, Dean stumbled to the door.

"Sammy! Sam!" He called out, stumbling to the hall and holding onto the wall for support as he mad his way down the hall. "Fuck, Sammy!" Dean shouted before coughing roughly and nearly collapsing. He heard heavy footsteps running toward him and Sam reached down to steady him.

"Dean, what the fuck..." Sam started, looking over his brothers body for any other injuries.

"Something is going on... Cas. Something happened..." Dean rasped through heavy coughs. Sam lifted his brother up and guided him into the living room, more or less dumping him on the couch before running into the kitchen and grabbing Dean another glass of juice.

"Drink slowly, tell me what's going on." Sam said softly, handing the glass to Dean's outstretched hand. Calming his cough long enough to take a sip and breathed a sigh of relief after swallowing. Taking another sip, Dean set the glass aside.

"I woke up and was talking to Cas, then all the sudden his eyes went all unfocused. It was like he was here but also somewhere else. He was mad, Sam. Blood dripping from his palms mad..." Dean paused and grabbed the glass for another sip. Sam had a look of complete shock written onto his face and his abnormal speechlessness was working in Dean's favor at the moment. "I tried to get his attention, I did everything. He mentioned someone named Naomi... I don't know what's going on, Sammy..." Dean paused, his voice getting thick with hysterical tears. Sickness combined with stress was a horrible combination. "He just left... disappeared. Said he had something he had to go find out." Dean finished, gulping down the rest of his juice to fend off the coming panic attack. Sam was giving Dean his best puppy eyes, which was basically "I have no idea what to say" in Sam's face language. Dean sighed deeply and scrubbed his hand over his face. He was scruffy but the adrenaline was doing wonders. He didn't feel nearly as horrible as he did when he woke up, and something was wrong with Cas. This wasn't going to be good for anyone.

"He threatened her. This Naomi. He said "I will save him, Naomi. And then we're all coming for you..." Dean whispered, looking at Sam helplessly.

"Looks like I have some phone calls to make." Sam said after a moment. "Do you want some help back to bed..." Sam started.

"No, it'll be easier for both of us if I just set up camp out here." Dean finished for him. He didn't have the heart to say he didn't want to be alone right now. He didn't really want to be alone ever, but he more or less deserved it. A strong wave of dizziness and nausea swept over him, causing him to collapse back onto the couch. "But you might have to go get my pillow and stuff." Dean breathed weakly. He felt Sammy pat his knee and then all he felt was alone.

Who was Naomi? Was she the one who had kept Cas away all these months? Was she good? Well, obviously not. Dean squeezed his eyes shut, but it only made him feel more like he was stranded on a boat in the middle of the ocean. He needed to eat something. And he needed more sleep. Hopefully all this would pass, but knowing his luck, this is what was going to kill him. His head spun again and Dean drifted into unconsciousness, not even noticing when Sam laid him out on the couch, put a pillow under his head and covered him with a blanket.

***********

Dean woke up sore and feeling worse than he ever had in his life. If this is what it felt like to die, he was hoping Death would come personally just to make a joke about it. Groaning softly, he cracked open his eyes. It was dark, but there was still light cast over the room. Sam had left a lamp on for him. Pushing himself to standing, Dean decided a shower was in order. Two bouts of deep and sweaty sleep had rendered this a nessecity at this point. Maybe the shower would help. Dean shuffled slowly to the bathroom, clinging onto everything he could possibly hold on to. Maybe a bath would be less dangerous, Dean thought as he stumbled into the door frame of the bathroom. Putting the stopper in the bottom of the tub, Dean started running the water as hot as his skin could stand. Stripping himself was a little more difficult than usual and Dean was grateful that the tub was taking time to fill. He nearly fell and hadn't wanted the extra responsibility of cleaning up a mess.

The tub was surprisingly long enough to let him stretch out a little and Dean sunk down into the hot water with a grateful moan. It was wonderful, it felt like he was dissolving into the bathtub. He could feel all the grime stuck to his skin falling away and he felt his sore, tired muscles relax. He started thinking back to the last time he did something so good for himself. At least at this moment, it was damn good. It was surprising to realize that it had been quite a long time since Dean had just melted like this. For the first time in a long time, Dean let his mind go blank. He could feel the heat of the water seeping into his sore bones, the slight weight of the crystal resting on his chest, the warning of dizziness spinning in the back of his mind.

"Hey, Dean." Sam's voice woke him, which was especially surprising since Dean hadn't realized he had fallen asleep in the bath. It was still warm, but a fraction of how warm it was.

"Morning, Sammy." Dean's voice was spotty and a bit scratchy. Sam took a step into the bathroom, holding out a tall glass of water covered in condensation. Dean took the glass and gulped it down quickly. The cold water made it almost necessary to run the bath again, forming a cold spot in his stomach. "You got anything?" Dean asked, sighing happily into the wave of heat washing over him.

"Dean, to be honest, I have no idea where to even start." Sam said with a shrug, finally deciding to sit down on the toilet to talk to his brother. "Cas just vanished. You randomly got sick. It could be voodoo, witch craft, it could be a curse or a poison. I have no idea." Sam said with a heavy sigh. Dean shut off the water.

"Well, I'm feeling a little better. I would be feeling a lot better with some food in me." Dean said with a lopsided smile.

"Something easy, probably?" Sam asked, and Dean saw his eyes going a little unfocused trying to think of what they had brought with them.

"If we have soup, yeah. If not, let's start with some toast." Dean said with a small chuckle, dissolving into a soft coughing fit.

"You know, Dean, we could just load up and head back to the bunker..." Sam suggested, standing up.

"Cas knows we're here. He doesn't know where the bunker is." Dean said without thinking. Sam sighed.

"Do you really think he's coming back to help you? I mean, he's disappeared like this before and the last time, he was gone for months. I don't know if this is going to kill you or not, but I know for a fact we don't have months to wait and find out." Sam said with an angry tone in his voice. Dean couldn't blame him, mostly because he was right. Cas had been popping in and out with so much uncertainty that Sam had a viable point.

"How about I make you a deal? If I get worse, then yeah. Pile my ass in the passenger seat and take me home." Dean didn't want to talk about his faith in Cas coming back to them here at the cabin. There was something in his voice, in his eyes that made Dean almost certain that he was going to come back.

"Alright, Dean. Deal." Sam managed with some defeat before striding slowly out of the bathroom. Dean sighed and glanced around for towels. Locating a few, Dean pulled himself slowly out of the bathtub, doing everything in his power not to succumb to yet another fit of dizziness.

"Sammy? Clothes?" Dean called wrapping a towel around his waist and throwing the other around his neck. Dean shuffled from the bathroom back to the couch, collapsing back to sitting. It must have been some sort of fate neither of them had gotten so sick all these years. There had been little flus and colds here and there in their past, but nothing this severe. Head back on the back of the couch and body relaxing, Dean didn't notice the soft flutter.

"I apologize..." Came a hasty, harsh voice. Dean smirked before opening his eyes.

"Cas." Dean responded warmly.

"Dean, you're..." Cas started nervously. Dean opened his eyes and looked at the uncomfortable angel standing in front of the fireplace. Dean saw him blushing again and suppressed the giggle bubbling up inside of him. Damn that angel for making him feel so uncharacteristically delirious.

"I just got out of the bath, Sam's bringing me some clothes. What's up?" Dean asked.

"My search has been fruitless. I am afraid I am no closer to knowing what is going on than you or Sam." Cas explained, pointedly looking everywhere but at Dean sitting half naked on the couch. Dean couldn't help the chuckle that escaped him.

"Make a guess then, you're the most supernatural being in this whole place right now." Dean said with a shrug, pushing himself carefully up off the couch as he heard Sam coming back. Sam handed him another set of sweatpants and a comfy t-shirt. Pulling the sweats on under his towel before letting the wet fabric drop to the floor, Dean walked into the kitchen to get something to drink.

"I cannot heal you. There is something powerful acting on you." Cas stated simply, but his voice sounded far away. Dean pulled the shirt on over his head, letting it settle on it's own as he grabbed a glass and filled it with whatever juice he could find. Sam started puttering around in the kitchen, heating up some soup for Dean.

"I suppose the only thing to do is see what happens." Dean sneezed violently, causing his body to snap into a rough coughing fit at the same time.

"How long are we going to wait?" Sam asked, concern dripping in his voice.

"Of that, I am not certain." Cas said with some defeat.

"Are you sure you can't heal him?" Sam asked. Cas looked at Dean as if he was trying to look through him, and Dean fought an involuntary shiver. It didn't work.

"Whatever is infecting him, it is something I cannot sense. At all. It is slightly concerning." Cas admitted, stepping closer to Dean and staring harder.

"If I had a normal cold, you'd be able to see it?" Dean asked, thanking Sam as a hot bowl of soup was slid in front of him.

"Usually. I can sense most human ailments. Cancer, sickness, degeneration. In you, Dean, it is almost like I am watching an army invade. Brutally." Cas said quietly, reaching his hand out like he wanted to touch Dean, but then pulled it away as if he decided against it. Especially in front of Sam. Neither of the Winchester brothers saw it.

"And just a wild guess, but I'm losing the battle." Dean asked between bites. It tasted so good and was so desperately needed that it seemed to literally disappear in seconds.

"Yes." Cas whispered. Suddenly, silence fell over the room. All three of them were thinking about the impossible and yet none of them were realizing the obvious.

"Hey, Sam? Could you give us a minute?" Dean asked, pushing the bowl away from him.

"Uh... yeah. I guess." Sam said as he grabbed his jacket and headed outside. "I'll be back in like an hour..." Sam said, exiting quickly. He always seemed to do that well, Dean thought with a smile.

"Alright, Cas. Enough of this bullshit. Who the fuck is Naomi and what the hell is happening to me?" Dean spun around to face the angel, who obviously was not expecting Dean's demeanor to change so suddenly. Cas looked uncomfortable, like when he had lost his marbles. Shuffling awkwardly, not really finding the words for what he wanted to say.

"She pulled me from Purgatory. Gave me assignments, gave me good things to do." Cas began. "I thought she was helping me. I thought she was helping the world. I was wrong. She wanted me to get close to you and Sam." Cas paused, glancing at Dean and quickly glancing away again. Dean watched him carefully, he didn't want to see Cas pulled into whatever trance he was in last time. Grabbing a glass of water to calm another coughing fit, Dean urged Cas to continue. "I don't know what she did..." Cas moaned helplessly, rubbing one of his temples with his hands. It was surprisingly human and Dean felt himself soften a little.

"I know you know... I can see you fighting for it. She told you something, Cas. What was it?" Dean asked, fighting off the urge to fall back into sleep as he cradled himself into the couch. Cas let out a frustrated growl before collapsing in a nearby chair. Dean fought the urge to laugh at his over dramatization. Dean felt his smile turn into a yawn and both sat in silence for a moment.

"I don't want to watch you die, Dean." Cas whispered, but in the silence of the room, the sentiment felt like it was shouted. "If I cannot heal your or find out what is happening, I'm afraid that I will." Cas finished quietly.

"Hey man, I'm Dean Fucking Winchester. I've been to Hell, Purgatory and Heaven and yet I'm still stuck stalking around earth with my demon blood addicted, morally confused Sasquatch of a brother and a socially awkward, powerful as all fuck Angel. I've met Death, killed Reapers, Angels and everything in between. It would take a lot more than a cold to send me packing, Cas. And even then, I have my very own one man rescue team." Dean beamed a smile at the slumped angel. "Besides, I'm sure if I die, you will strike anyone involved down with great vengeance and furious anger." Dean stifled a laugh. "Pulp Fiction?"

"I do not understand why fruit would have fiction. Though, that is a very apt assumption of what I would do in such a situation." Cas agreed as he played with his tie. Suddenly the door slammed open, and Sam was framed in the sunlight that was outside.

"Dean, I think I might have an idea." Sam said breathless. Barreling into the house, Sam started rummaging through drawers and finally approached Dean with a pair of barbecue tongs. "But you need to listen before you get mad." Sam said, hastily looking over at Cas, whose own face had fallen ashy into fear.

"Oookay..." Dean said looking between his brother and his angel. "Should I leave you guys alone for a moment or something...?" Dean asked jokingly.

"Shut up, Dean. This is seriously not the time." Sam snapped, effectively shutting Dean's mouth. "I was thinking while I was walking around that there's only one thing that has changed between when we got here and when you got sick." Sam explained while moving in between Dean and Cas. "The necklace, Dean." Sam said carefully.

"No, there's no way. Cas wouldn't give this to me if it was cursed." Dean said, feeling the shadows of doubt creep in on his mind. There was no way of actually knowing what Cas would or wouldn't do. He had flip flopped so many times in the past that if Cas or anyone else were actively trying to kill Dean, Cas would be the perfect weapon. He always seemed to have one foot permanently wedged in the Winchester door.

"Not intentionally, no." Sam agreed, tensing himself. Dean might be weak from sickness, but he was still deadly. No one could go through that many years of hunting and self defense to ever be completely helpless. "Give me the necklace, Dean." Sam commanded quietly. Dean brought an unexpected hand up to cover the medallion almost protectively. It had been there so often in his life and the day he threw it away so carelessly still seems to haunt him when he least expects it.

"If the object was only holding the curse before transferring it to Dean, then it would technically be inert at this point." Cas supplied from behind Sam. Dean had almost forgotten he was still there. "Even if the curse was still attached, we would have to find someone else to handle it or risk you possibly falling ill as well, Sam." Sam spun around to face Cas.

"How could you handle it without getting sick?" Sam asked the angel. Cas stared back at Sam, unblinking and silent. "Right. Angel." Sam paused for a moment. "Unless..." Spinning back around to Dean, Sam held out an open hand. "Give me the medallion, Dean." Sam commanded softly.

"No way. Not if it's gonna try and kill you too..." Dean almost shouted, circling a protective fist over the crystal hanging on his chest.

"If I'm right, Dean, this was only meant for you. It wouldn't activate until you touched it. If not, then we'll just have to work faster." Sam finished sternly.

"No, Sammy. I am not going to watch you die again." Dean responded firmly. Sam let out a sigh of anger and frustration.

"I'm already dying, Dean. Give me the damn necklace!" Sam nearly shouted. A surprised hush fell over the cabin.

"Sam?" Cas' voice was the first to break the silence. Letting out a defeated sigh, Sam finally chose to collapse heavily on the couch beside Dean.

"The tablet trials. Something is going on, something is happening to me." Sam admitted softly. Dean and Cas both looked at him in silence. Cas' face was etched in a mixture of curiosity and searching his brain for knowledge. Sam didn't even have to look at Dean to see the anger and pain coming off of him.

"And were you ever going to tell me?" Dean's voice finally rasped, heavy with emotion and sickness. Sam shrugged, still avoiding eye contact with his brother. "You know, Sam. I told you at the beginning of all of this that I was supposed to do these trials. I was the one that was supposed to die. Now it's going to be you, and you know better than anyone that I won't just let that happen."

"Why, Dean? Why do you have to be the one to die all the time? The one to make the sacrifice?" Sam demanded, and Cas watched as anger and pain flared up hot and red between the two brothers.

"Because I don't matter, Sam! I don't matter, I have no future, no possibility of a future. If this all goes away, what am I left with? Life in an auto shop? Living off the grid? None of that sounds appealing, man. But you. You have a future. You can go finish your law degree, you can find a wife, start a family..." Dean started coughing. "Me? I have no hope for that. And don't even try to bring up Lisa and Ben again. Both of them are better off without me..." Dean's though dissolved into a rough coughing fit. "Now, if you princesses don't mind, I'm getting the fuck away from you both." Dean said, pushing himself to standing. Tearing the necklace off, Dean threw it onto the couch, gathering up his pillow and blanket before stalking back to his room.

After closing the door and collapsing onto the bed, Dean was coughing, rough and deep. He grabbed his pillow and shoved it over his face to stifle the noise. When Dean finally pulled the pillow away, he saw that his saliva had a reddish tinge. Torn between telling Sam and Cas and breaking down into hysterics, Dean shoved both of the thoughts away, flipped the pillow over and tumbled back into sleep.

**********

"What are we going to do, Sam?" Cas asked, breaking the harsh silence left by Dean's retreat.

"I dunno, Cas. Any ideas?" Sam asked, reaching for the amulet discarded on the couch before pulling his hand away and picking up the necklace with the tongs like he had originally planned.

"Many, but none pertain to healing Dean." Cas sighed, heavy.

"To be honest, I was surprised you came back." Sam said with a laugh, examining the crystal amulet in the sunshine.

"Why would you be surprised?" Cas asked softly.

"You haven't exactly been all that available, buddy." Sam said, casting a glance over his shoulder to the sad looking angel trying to become one with the chair behind him.

"I have been busy..." Cas started.

"Helping people, I know. Dean told me." Sam said, walking over to his computer and starting a search for something along the lines of cursed objects.

"Did..." Cas breathed in, like he was gathering up courage. "Did Dean say anything else?" He finally asked.

"Like what?" Sam said distractedly, scrolling through search results.

"Like what happened in Purgatory." Cas said with a little more confidence.

"He told me the basics, I guess. Benny, killing things, finding you. The escape. How you let him go..." Sam trailed off, typing quickly over the keyboard.

"How many times did he tell you he found me?" Cas asked, throwing all caution out the window. He needed someone to talk to, apparently. It was as surprising to him as it was to Sam.

"Just... just the once. What are you saying, Cas?" Sam tore his attentions away from the computer and walked back over to the couch. Cas looked like he was deep in thought.

"Love, adoration, devotion. I have recently learned the difference between these things. I had devotion to my father. I loved my father, yet it was my sense of honor and duty that kept me loving him. I never met my father..." Cas sighed. "Adoration is what I have for you, Sam. I would protect you the same as I would protect your brother. You are important and I care for you on a level that is not the same as my father." Cas paused and Sam noticed the level of uncomfortable shoot up not only in Cas, but in the entire room. "Dean, however, is special. Singular. I have been to the ends of creation for him and I would again. As many times as it would take."

"I still remember the profound bond comment." Sam said with a smirk.

"I did apologize." Cas responded with some concern.

"I mean, I get it. You guys have this weird..." Sam tried to make some gesture with his hands, but Cas couldn't quite make out what he was doing. "Thing. You guys have something."

"It is more than just 'some thing'" Cas said with air quotes. His voice was slightly harsher, like he couldn't organize the words right to say what he needed to say.

"Do you love my brother, Cas?" Sam asked quietly.

"Of course. Without doubt or reason." Cas responded confidently.

"Are you in love with Dean?" Sam asked. Cas was silent for a moment before Sam looked into those slightly watery eyes. For some reason, he had always reminded Sam of a blood hound or a basset hound with the way he could make his eyes look all shiny and wet, like he was about to cry.

"I believe so, yes." Cas finally answered.

"It's about fucking time at least one of you admitted it." Sam said with relief flooding into his voice. "Okay, don't give me that look. I would have to be fucking blind not to notice, Cas." Cas shuffled himself awkwardly. "Dean isn't exactly the most emotional person." Sam added softly.

"He is. He just doesn't remember." Cas admitted softly.

"What do you mean, he doesn't remember?" Sam asked curiously.

"In Purgatory. He found me many times. He only remembers the one because..." Cas trailed off.

"How many times?" Sam asked.

"Dozens." Cas answered with a hurt smile. "I remember the first time he kissed me. We had decimated a pack of Leviathan, Dean had saved me, decapitating one when I wasn't paying attention. He pulled me close, whispered that he didn't want to lose me again. He kissed my cheek. The corner of my mouth. Then he pressed his lips against mine." Cas all but whispered. Sam sat in a stunned silence. "I didn't know how to respond." Cas chuckled. "Eventually, he made a lewd joke about my prowess."

"Okay, I don't know if I want to hear more." Sam said with a shudder.

"I apologize. I haven't been able to talk about what transpired there." Cas stuttered, suddenly aware of the truth in his statement.

"So why not continue? This relationshippy thing, I mean." Sam asked.

"Truth be told, you already know the answer, Sam. The emotional stability of your brother leaves much to be desired. He even said several times that he didn't know how to "make it work" in the real world." Cas sighed. "A large part of me wishes he would want to remember. The rest of me knows that he will never accept the love I have for him. No sane person can live their life that way."

"You're kind of immortal, does it matter?" Sam wondered.

"A worthy life cannot be measured in time. It is measured in experiences and relationships. In my time watching, I have learned that it is not the span of time that denotes the quality of life lived, but the people in it that gives humanity it's meaning." Cas explained. "Your brother's life experiences have taught him that he is the embodiment of failure, and I do not think the love of one person could change that." Cas finished sadly.

"I don't remember Mom dying. I was too little. I was never haunted by it, like Dean was. Like Dad was. They bonded over that, and it was hard growing up and feeling like I was on the outside of this big life changing moment. It was what made my Dad and Dean so close. It was what made Dean into the soldier he is today." Sam rubbed his hands together. "Dean watched Dad slowly die, little by little every day. Every single time he was punished and I was coddled, it stabbed into him and broke a peice of him away. He's a fragmented person, Cas." Sam sighed. "He's someone who doesn't believe he deserves to be loved because in love is where people get hurt."

"I do not know if I understand." Cas said curiously, tilting his head to peer at Sam.

"Everyone Dean has ever loved has died. Or he treats them like they're dead. Because it's easier for him. It's easier for him to drown in the guilt and the heartache of being alone than it is for him to actually be happy." Sam explained.

"You and I are both alive." Cas stated simply.

"Now, yes. But it's still a fact that Dean has seen us both die. Just as we've seen him die."

"Too many times to count." Cas responded sadly. Sam's ears perked up. He knew that Dean had told Cas about the too many Tuesdays, but Cas hadn't been there.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked, concerned. Maybe Cas zapped through time and saw Dean die.

"I-I-I'm not sure." Cas said, his eyes screwing shut like he had a headache.

"Wait, does this have something to do with Naomi or whoever Dean was talking about?" Sam scooted forward on the couch. This could be something, this could be a lead.

"Naomi. Made me..." Cas grunted like he had just been punched in the gut.

_"Go ahead, Castiel. Tell him. Tell him I made you kill your precious Dean Winchester a thousand thousand times. You saw the bodies. You killed them all. You killed Dean. Tell sweet little Sam Winchester everything. It's useless. The damage is done. Dean Winchester will die." Cas shook off the echo of her voice._

"It was a plan. Naomi wanted to get rid of you both. She made me..." Cas choked up a little. Clearing his throat in a suprisingly human streak of emotions, Cas continues. "She made me kill him too many times to count. I was a weapon. I did this..." The realization was flooding over Cas, his eyes closed, not even looking at Sam. "I'm... I cannot..." Cas felt the sting of tears.

"Shh, shh, Cas. It's okay. I know you wouldn't hurt Dean. I know..." Sam reached out a hand, but was too far away from Cas to do any good.

"It's a curse. I don't know what kind. I don't know... I just..." Cas found the words weren't coming to him.

"We'll find the answer, Cas. I promise." Sam said sternly, walking back over to his computer now with a better search in mind. Sam glanced over at the hunched angel, who almost looked as if he were crying. Sam sighed, noticing how small he suddenly looked. Like a child who put on their Dad's coat. "

Why don't you go take a tray of food into Dean's room? Keep an eye on him. I'll do some research, make some calls." Cas looked over at him, his blue eyes shining wet and nodded. Gathering some soup and another glass of orange juice, Sam smiled watching Cas retreat to the back of the cabin.

**********

When Dean finally slipped back into the world of the living, it felt like John Bonham was playing a private show in his head. Cracking open his eyes, he found himself looking at dark blue splotches surrounded by tan lines. He could hear a voice in the distance and felt skin contact his own, depositing a few pills into his palm before holding a glass of something close.

"Cas?" Dean rasped, hearing the voice more in his head than outside of it. Popping the pills into his mouth and swallowing the greatfully cool liquid, Dean blinked the sleep out of his eyes.

"How are you feeling, Dean?" Cas asked quietly. Dean must have shouted in an attempt to be heard.

"A little better I guess. I suppose I needed a little more sleep than usual is all." His voice sounded thick with sleep and sickness. "Though the Led Zeppelin concert in my head isn't helping much."

"It appears your fever broke last night, though the blood on your pillow suggests a worsening of your overall condition." Cas said softly, trying to hide his concern. Dean's head snapped to the crisp white pillows beneath him, indeed covered with speckles of blood. "One would assume lung cancer or tuberculosis. Neither would be considered better." Cas said with a small smile.

"Well I must be delirious then, because I think you just made a joke." Dean smiled back weakly.

"Sam and I believe this was Naomi's doing. Some sort of curse. I was apparently the mechanism of dispersal." Cas bit out angrily.

"Hey man, you had no idea what was going on. Not really anyway." Dean said coughing. Cas offered him more orange juice to drink. "How long was I out this time?" He asked after draining the glass.

"Only a few hours. Maybe 6. Sam has been anxious, he says he wants to pile you into the Impala and go home." Cas explained, grabbing a wet rag and wiping across Dean's forehead. Dean sighed happily into the cooling sensation.

"Mm, you make a good nurse, Cas. Bet you'd be even sexier if you were in scrubs." Dean said with a chuckle. Cas blushed, but Dean wasn't coherent enough to notice.

"Sam said there might be a book back at the bunker that could help. He didn't want to spend a whole day driving there and back, so we decided just to wait for you to wake up." Cas explained as he refreshed the rag.

"I'm glad you're here, Cas. Taking care of me. Sammy wouldn't do this." Dean sighed happily.

"I have missed you as well, Dean. Don't worry, I will be riding in the Impala with you the entire way back." Cas said with a soft smile. Dean huffed out a soft laugh.

"We should probably get going then. Still have to pack and stuff..." Dean said, taking a few tries to push himself up to sitting.

"Ah, Sam thought you might say something like that. Which is why we have already packed up the Impala. We were just waiting for you to wake up." Cas said, handing Dean another fresh set of lounge clothes.

"You could have just carried me out to the car, man. You're an angel, with all the big bad angel strength." Dean joked, pulling his old shirt off and sighing happily as he pulled the fresh, clean, dry shirt over his head.

"I wanted to give you an opportunity to change your clothes." Cas said with another small blush. Cas turned his head away slightly, realizing that Dean was climbing out of his pants and into the clean ones.

"So did you and Sam put those big brains together and figure out what's going on?" Dean asked, pulling on some shoes and his jacket.

"Yes."

"And?" Dean asked, opening the door and heading down the hallway. Cas glanced over at the discarded tray, picking it up and following Dean.

"Naomi tricked Cas into giving you an amulet that housed a curse. I did some preliminary research and found out that you can target a curse to one person, but it's some bad fucking hoodoo." Sam answered for him. "As far as what the curse is and how to break it, we're gonna need something other than crazies on the internet."

"Shitty." Dean said, drooling at the sandwich that Sam had pushed toward him. Practically inhaling it, Dean encouraged them both to explain through a mouthful of food.

"Cas told me that you got worse. You're coughing up blood." Sam looked concerned, but now that they knew there was nothing they could really do, it was a matter of collecting symptoms. Dean nodded, already moving on to the second half of the sandwich. "Either way, all this looks like is something worse is right around the corner. We don't know what is going to happen." Sam glanced over at Cas, and Dean noticed the silent conversation going on between them. Swallowing his bite, Dean chuckled.

"Bullshit. What's really going on?" Dean asked, practically shoving the rest of the sandwich into his mouth.

"I fear that if we do not figure out how to cure you in an appropriate amount of time that your symptoms will continue to degrade and eventually kill you." Cas said sadly.

"Well, thanks to the sandwich, I'm feeling a ton better. Let's get a move on before I literally hack up a lung. I do not want to do that to the interior of my baby." Dean said as he searched his pockets for the keys.

"Nuh-uh. I don't care how good you're feeling, there is no way of telling when you'll get worse. It's half a day back home, and I am not taking any chances." Sam said, pulling the keys from his own pocket and jingling them. Dean pouted before walking out to the car, Sam and Cas following behind, both smiling. Cas opened the door for himself, sliding into the back and Sam and Cas both muffled yelps of surprise as Dean slid into the back seat with him. The drive back was comfortable, if a bit long. Dean took the time to imitate Sam's complaining to a ridiculous degree, saying he had to pee every single time they passed a place to stop.

Sleeping for part of it, Sam and Cas didn't really speak during the ride. Though every now and again, Sam would glance into the rear view and see Cas looking back. Sam would smile and Cas would smile and turn his attentions to the blond hair and hidden green eyes curled up in his lap. They were a few hours outside of Lebanon when Sam finally spoke.

"Are you ever going to tell him the truth?" Sam whispered, not wanting to wake Dean. It was a small space and he was a jumpy sleeper, sick or not.

"Soon." Came Cas' reply as he carded his hand through Dean's hair again. It was slightly shaggier than normal, they obviously had slid into a life of ease and comfort. "Soon." He whispered more to Dean than Sam. The night air was warm and if Cas looked hard enough, he could see the beginnings of daylight cresting over the horizon.

TBC

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets more honest, Dean gets worse, what else is new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short Chapter, but the next one is coming!

"Dean, Dean..." Cas's voice was soft and low. Dean smiled and pressed his head into the hand that was running through his hair. "Dean, we're here." Cas said and Dean could practically hear the smile in his voice.

"Good." Dean grunted, pushing himself out of Cas' lap. "I'm sick of being in the car." He finished with a smile. Carefully pushing himself out of the back seat, Dean stood and breathed in the morning air. It was early, and the birds were chirping loudly. Cas followed Dean, scooting out of the back seat and smiling as he heard the bird song. "Where's Sam?" Dean asked as he stretched out his sore muscles.

"He went inside about a half hour ago." Cas responded quietly.

"And we just stayed in car? Man, you could have woken me up earlier." Dean joked, looking around the interior of the car for anything he had missed. Sam must have taken everything back inside already.

"You looked comfortable sleeping. I could not bring myself to wake you." Cas explained, leaning up against the side of the car. "Dean, I do believe that we need to talk." Cas said, breaking the moment of morning silence they were both wrapped in.

"Last time I checked, that was never a good way to start any conversation. C'mon." Dean shrugged and started walking toward the door of the bunker. Pushing away a shiver creeping up his spine, Dean reached out for the handle. "I've been waiting for you to show up, I've wanted to show you this place forever."

"Why?" Cas' reply was close. Dean was sure the angel was more or less right behind him.

"This is my home, Cas. You deserve to be here too." Dean said with a chuckle, swinging the door open and disappearing inside. Cas hesitated outside the door, looking around nervously before Dean's voice echoed through the door, eventually pulling him inside. Cas found the light shift to be slightly disorienting before casting his focus toward the library. Cas found himself frozen, staring blankly before him. The only thing that broke his gaze was seeing Dean at the ostentacious arch.

"Dean... what you and Sam have found is very special. This is..." Cas trailed off, stepping closer to the railing to get a view of what was below him.

"Awesome?" Dean said with a smile and a sniffle. His "flu" seemed to be lessening. Cas smiled softly.

"I was going to say significant or monumental, but you have always had a way of capturing a place with simple terminology." Cas said as he started walking down the stairs to the main floor.

"Hey, if I didn't know you better, I would take that as an insult." Dean's chuckles fell into a coughing fit. Cas hurried closer as he saw Dean reach for something to hold on to. Dean waved him off, righting himself and pushing Cas into the library.

"Dean, there is a surprising amount of knowledge housed here. Reminsecent of Alexandria... But only slightly." Cas mused as he started looking at the titles of the books. "There must have been plenty here that has surprised you both."

"The dragon penis was a little surprising, yeah. Considering the last few years though, I think it would take something completely unique to spook me an' Sammy." Dean said with a smile. Pulling out a chair, Dean sat and watched Cas scan the shelves.

"Lexicons, field notebooks, journals, tomes of research..." Cas murmured. "Sam must be enjoying himself." He glanced over his shoulder at Dean, almost afraid realizing that Dean had been staring at him this whole time. Dean's chuckled filled the air around them both, followed by a small cough.

"Yeah, you could say he's digging it. Haven't seen him go out much since we got here... unless I'm the one dragging him out kicking and screaming." Dean scoffed. "So, being the one who wanted to talk, you sure are having fun avoiding the subject." Dean teased.

"Your home is distracting." Cas returned with a shrug. Pausing to look close at a faded title, Cas finally just started pulling books off the shelves.

"Oh balls... not you too." Dean groaned.

"While my knowledge appears to be infinite, there are still many things I have not come to learn." Cas explained as he started a pile on one of the tables.

"Can we save the learning for later? If I were holding my breath, I would have passed out by now." Dean shifted in his chair, debating whether or not a drink was in order. Cas was still scanning shelves and pulling books as Dean looked on. There was something about him, Dean thought, the passion he chose to express. It would obviously do no good trying to break his focus now. Dean heard Sam's shuffle and turned to him with a smile.

"Catch a nap?" Dean asked as Sam pulled up a chair beside him, both of them now watching an over curious angel.

"Something like that. What's he doing?" Sam asked, nodding in Cas' general direction. Cas was currently carrying over another stack of books, pausing to pull himself out of the trench coat and suit jacket he never seemed to take off.

"Uh... besides getting practically naked? I think he's screwing up your system, man." Dean said with a chuckle.

"Hungry?" Sam asked Dean, clapping a hand onto his shoulder. Dean nodded and let his attention slide back to his angel. Dean smiled, watching Cas fill up the end of the table with books. "Did you ever start eating? Like regularly?" Sam called down to the end of the table. It was like Cas couldn't even hear them, he was so far gone in his own little world.

"I'm sure if we put in front of him, he'll at least be polite about it." Dean answered. Sam shrugged and walked off again, leaving Dean and Cas alone in the library. "I probably should have thought ahead..." Dean said with a smile, looking at the stack that was only getting bigger as Cas added more to the pile. "Cas!" Dean shouted, coughing slightly at the sudden scratch in his throat. The angel's head snapped toward him, a look of embarassment covering his face.

"I apologize. This is all very interesting to me." Cas said as he set another few books down. Dean chuckled softly.

"Well, Sam's making some food. I'm still exhausted so I'm gonna go back to bed. I'll see you around lunch time, I guess." Dean grunted, pushing himself to standing. His body still felt so weak and fragile.

"Sleep well, Dean." Cas said softly as he watched Dean start to walk away.

"Get the reading out of the way. You were the one that said we needed to talk anyway." Dean said over his shoulder before disappearing into the depths of the bunker.  
**********  
Cas was buried in his 8th consecutive tome when Dean finally stumbled out of his room again. It was impossible to admit, but for some reason he was feeling better. It didn't seem to off to Dean, especially with the realization that it always seemed to happen this way. Cas being around always seemed to bring some sort of something into Dean. Something he couldn't quite place. Yawning loudly, Dean interrupted the silence he walked in to.

"Did you sleep well?" Cas asked, his head snapping up from the book. Dean yawned again and cleared his throat.

"As well as can be expected, being all cursed and shit." Dean said as he sat down a few chairs away from Cas. "Looks like you've been busy."

"Even after watching humanity grow and change and evolve, there is much I am afraid that I am not aware of. This particular book is about the probability of aliens and space travel." Cas said, closing the book to look at the cover. "While a little fantasical for my taste, his math and reasoning are sound. Humans just seem to have lost the curiosity to explore..." Cas finished whistfully.

"I'm sure Neil Armstrong would have something to say against that." Dean replied.

"The actions of the few cannot predict the consciousness of the many." Cas near whispered. It sounded sad, like the angel had lost hope. Dean knew that Cas' funks could be absolutly intolerable and annoying, and so he set to thinking of anything that could change the subject.

"True. You can take the man out of the curiosity but you can't take the curiosity out of the man. It's all been a matter of money. Keeping dudes alive in a vaccuum isn't exactly cheap, Cas." Dean said with a smile.

"It is still interesting, the limitations humanity provides." Cas said, finally casting those blue eyes up at Dean. "You want to ask me what I wanted to talk about earlier this morning, do you not?" Cas asked simply.

"Uh, I was gonna ask where Sammy wandered off too, but yeah, we can do that too." Dean responded nervously, wrapping his arms around each other and settling them in front of his chest.

"You remember, a few months ago, when I showed you what really happened during the escape? How I was the one to push you away?" Cas asked softly. Dean simply grunted in response. "Tell me all that you remember of purgatory, Dean." Cas was quiet for a moment before Dean heard a simple plea of, "Please?" Dean sighed heavily, scrubbing his hand over his face before allowing his mind to travel back.

"I remember stabbing Dick in the neck, and then waking up there, in the dark, alone. I remember being scared, but only for a second. You weren't around, and I sure as hell wasn't going to leave you there. I started searching for you. Torturing demons and monsters that I had already killed." Dean chuckled slightly, before coughing slightly more violently than either of them were used to. "Some tried to get revenge, put up a better fight this time around."

"You were stronger. More terriftying, you were on a mission." Cas supplied. Dean nodded, coughing again before finally getting up and grabbing a glass of water.

"I remember the air. It felt weird on my skin, like it was trying to grab me and push me away all at the same time." Dean said, rubbing absently on his arm. "It always smelled wet, like mold. But dead at the same time. Stale." Dean let his eyes close. "It was never fully day... it always felt like twilight or night. Always. Dark, depressing. Alone..." Dean's face changed, softly. Like he had found something hidden away in his memories, but lost it again. "Then there was Benny."

"He helped you, fought with you, all in exchange for a way out. Is that correct?" Cas asked softly.

"Yeah. I remember one night, he asked me what my mission was. He said that I was so determined, like I had something to accomplish. So I told him everything. Spent all night telling him about Micheal and Lucifer, the apocolypse. I told him about Dick and the Leviathan. I pretty much told him everything over the months we were together." Dean sighed. "Everything..." Dean's voice trailed off slightly.

"You told him about me." Cas murmured with some finality.

"Of course I did, Cas." Dean said, opening his eyes and looking at Cas. The angel was leaning over the table, the weight of the world pressing on his shoulders. It made him look tired, weary of carrying the same burden again and again. "You were the reason I was a one man slaughtering team." Dean scoffed.

"Tell me about you and me in purgatory, Dean." Cas glanced up, their eyes meeting before Cas hastily refocused his gaze.

"You know it as well as I do. I found you by that river, washing your face. I couldn't believe it at first, having finally found you. I swear, I could have been tracked by the trail of bodies I left behind, but at the moment, I didn't care. I found you." Dean said softly, letting his eyes slide closed again. "I can't even begin to describe how happy it made me. How happy it still does." Dean finished, one corner of his mouth twitching up into a smile.

"Anything else?" Cas whispered, a tinge of hope hidden in his voice.

"Anything else? What do you mean?" Dean asked, letting his eyes open again.

"Before I continue, I need you to know that I..." Cas paused, uncomfortably searching for the perfect words. "I care about you a great deal, and I had to do what I did to keep the both of us safe." Cas said softly.

"How are you the only angel still left that speaks in crazy, secret mumbo jumbo?" Dean asked with a groan and a few sneezes.

"What if I were to tell you that the water was not the first time we had found each other in purgatory?" Cas asked, a little stronger.

"Cas, we talked about this angel memory wipe stuff..." Dean's voice was already edging on angry.

"I did it to save us both. I could not let you come back with some of the memories of that place." Cas said, trying to convince himself as well as Dean that he did the right thing.

"What memories?" Dean almost hissed.

"Memories of you and I, Dean." Cas said quietly.

"What. Fucking. Memories." It wasn't even a question that time. Cas knew he had to offer a choice, but had no idea how to offer it.

"I would rather tell you before I show you, I don't want you to walk into this not knowing." Cas sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Go the fuck on then, tell me what I apparently didn't need to remember." Dean said angrily. Cas sighed, feeling a pang of hurt echo in his chest.

"Simply showing them to you would not properly convey the amount of emotional connection I have with them. They are special to me, so special that I have not even spoken of them. Until I spoke to Sam." Dean opened his mouth to object, but Cas simply held up a finger, stopping Dean's train of thought. "Socialization has never come easy to me, not even while up in Heaven. This 'crazy, secret mumbo jumbo talk' you speak of is limited to me, I believe. Humans have an expression of my father making some 'extra special." Cas paused.

"You know, Alfie said that too much heart was a problem for you..." Dean added quietly. Cas felt his heart break a little more and tried to keep himself from crying.

"Sometimes I doubt I was created in the image my father intended. I have felt like a failure in many attempts, but never with you, Dean." Cas paused, finally making eye contact with the hunter. "All of the fault, the blame, the insanity, all of it has been my fault. In all of it, I had a choice, and sometimes, I chose poorly. But never with you. My faith, my devotion have never waivered in you, Dean Winchester."

"This is starting to sound like your version of the 10 Things I Hate About You speech." Dean said, trying to lighten the mood.

"In all of the universes life, in all of the expanse of evolution and humanity, I have never found a being quite like you. So self assured but so self loathing at the same time. I told you again and again that you deserve to be loved, to be treasured like the the special and unique being you are. You never wanted to hear it." Cas said sadly.

"Wait, we've had this talk before?" Dean asked, scooting slightly closer to Cas.

"Many times. It always seemed to end the same way. Me, explaining my depth of feeling and trying to make you understand and then you just walking away. Saying something about how you are not deserving, worthy, special. I have been avoiding this conversation for that reason alone. I don't know if I can just watch you walk away again." Cas' eyes were suddenly too watery for the blue color they were.

"You love me? And you've told me?" Dean asked. Cas, unable to find the right words simply nods in response. "Fuck man, no body needs to love me. I'm just a black soulless trap." Dean said boldly, in a well practised tone. Cas' dark and bitter chuckle is a surprise, but only just to Dean.

"You have said that before. I said, and will always continue to say, despite what you may think of yourself, love and beauty are in the eye of the beholder and not the beheld." Cas finished. Both men sat in silence for a moment before Dean was the one to speak.

"Are you going to show me?" Dean asked softly.

"Only if you want to see. But I will tell you that despite you reaction, I know you, Dean Winchester. I have cradled your soul and I know when you are lying or scared or running. Run if you wish, but know that I will always be waiting should you decide to run back." Cas responded with a soft smile. Without bothering to pause to let Dean respond, Cas brought his two fingers up to Dean's forhead and let the memories run free.

Both men were so locked into the transfer that neither noticed Sam come out of hiding and stand, leaning in the arch to watch them both. He had heard the last of Cas' empassioned speech and wished nothing more than to see his brother happy. However, happy wasn't really in Dean's vocabulary. Once Sam realized what was going on, he realized that he was about to be stuck in the middle of a very uncomfortable situation. Knowing Cas' side of the story only made things a little more off putting. Stifling a cough and dizzy spell of his own, Sam looked on as things seemed to be wrapping up.

Dean had dissolved into a coughing fit, collapsing onto the floor only to have Cas follow. Cas tried to pick him up, but Dean pushed all of Cas' attempts at help away while he continued to cough. Sam only rushed over when he heard something wet splatter onto the concrete floor. Crossing the room a moment too late, Sam watched as Dean pushed himself up off the floor and make a lurched dash to his room. Sam walked up to Cas and sighed, looking down at a grieving angel and a small spatter of blood on the floor. Sam wanted to reach out, comfort Cas, but knew he couldn't. Instead, Sam shrugged figuring one of the two would call for him when they were ready. He just never expected so soon.

"Sam!" Came the strangled cry from somewhere down the hall. Sam and Cas both snapped their attentions, but Sam was the only one who took off to investigate. Dean had made it to his room, but had more or less collapsed in the door way. His breathing was ragged, especially through the violent coughing bouts.

"Get him... Out." Dean wheezed, still trying to catch his breath.

"I'm not kicking Cas out, Dean. He's the only one who know where we can even possibly start." Sam said, looping his arm under Dean's. Dean let out a cry mixed with a grunt as Sam hauled him to his feet.

"Something... something's wrong, Sammy. Something's different." Dean's voice was sad, heavy and broken.

"You're the same ass you always are, leaving some poor soul behind to pick up the broken peices of their heart." Sam said, piling the rest of Dean's body onto the bed and trying to tuck him it. It felt like Dean was running a fever again.

"No... look..." Dean rasped, holding up his arm. On the underside of his arm, a number of angry red and white boils had appeared.

"Take off your shirt." Sam commanded softly. Dean held up his arms like a child and gave Sam a sympathetic look. Letting out an annoyed sigh, Sam pulled off Dean's shirt and both of them gasped as they saw most of Dean's chest and torso covered in the same boils. "Does it hurt, do they itch or something?" Sam asked. Dean just shook his head before collapsing backward.

"He's going to do it, Sam. He's going to kill me..." Dean whispered, broken and heavy with tears. Sam walked out of the room without another word, shutting the door behind him and hearing Dean break down on the other side.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Sam shut the door to Dean's room as quietly as he possibly could. Resting himself softly against door, he heard Dean sniffling and groaning as if he was trying to keep himself from crying. Sam sighed quietly before pushing himself away from his broken hearted brother and walking back to an equally broken hearted angel waiting for him in the library. Sam felt his heart crack looking at Cas sitting next to the long table. He looked so small and broken, his shoulders hunched. Sam always liked to imagine what Cas' wings would look like, and Sam swore that if he looked close enough, he could see the massive spans curled protectively around their owner. Sam paused, wondering what all this meant. Dean getting sick… He cast a look down at his own barely trembling hands and after deciding they would be more comfortable in the pockets of his jeans, Sam cleared his throat and walked into the room. Cas’ head snapped up, his eyes glittering in the low light. Somehow, hope was still etched around his eyes.

“He’s getting worse.” Sam said quietly, taking a seat opposite Cas.

“What do you mean?” Cas asked quickly, the hope in his face turning to fear.

“He’s covered in some sort of lesion… like boils combined with chicken pox or something.” Sam said sadly. He couldn’t even bring himself to look Cas in the face, both of them feeling the ache in their chest. Losing Dean would be horrible for them both, at least in the immediate sense. Sam knew he would be strong enough to eventually move on, but Cas wasn’t the same. He was still so fragile, at least it seemed that way.

“Maybe it is something biblical then…” Cas replied sadly, breaking the silence between them. It was easy to see the guilt seeping into the angel’s entire body. His shoulders shrunk as if a heavy weight had settled there, his eyes fell to the floor, and the otherworldly glow that he seemed to have faded slightly.

“I don’t know if it’s that complicated, Cas.” Sam said as he pushed himself up from the table. “Dean said you were talking about someone named Naomi. What if she’s some sort of demon or something… someone that tricked you?” Sam wondered out loud as he was scanning the titles of the books on the shelves.

“Sam, please.” Cas responded meekly. “I understand the desire to brighten my mood… I just do not think it is that simple.” Cas said heavily, his voice husky with emotion.

“Cas, I know you would never do something like this on purpose. You guys, you have this weird thing. I don’t know if relationship is the right word and Dean…” Sam paused, spinning back around to face Cas. “Dean’s just scared. Something is happening to him. Remember when we told you about that ghost sickness thing?” Cas’ eyes shifted and Sam smiled when he finally nodded. “It’s something like that. When Dean isn’t perfect and healthy, he breaks down. Hell, any human does.” Sam said sardonically, more to himself than to the angel.

“I just don’t know what to do, Sam.” Cas admitted helplessly, letting his head fall into his hands.

“Is there something about this whole thing you guys have that you aren’t telling me? I mean there is something much deeper going on here.” Sam finally asked, after not being able to find the book he had been looking for. Cas paused, scrutinizing Sam. It's not that the angel didn't trust the other hunter, but sometimes knowing too much about someone can be dangerous. Taking a deep breath, Cas began to speak.

“He tried to tell me, many times, how he felt when he first realized where he was. He spoke of two singular foci, you and me. To find me, and to get us both back to you, it was all he talked about. He would often wonder if you were looking for us, trying to find a way to us. Not a day went by that he talked about you, Sam. I heard a lot about your childhood. How bright and rebellious you were.” Cas smiled at him warmly, his eyes still glittery with tears. “He would start talking about love and kindness, and eventually he would say it. Sometimes it would be passion filled, born out of the adrenaline of survival. Sometimes it would take days, like watching a plant trying to work its way out of the topsoil. It was the same every time. ‘I love that kid…’ he would say. The corner of his mouth would twitch up in a little smirk and he would look at me, and I would see that expanse of love. That ever blooming field of hope and beauty I saw when I laid hands on him in Hell. ‘And we both love you, Cas.” He would say.” Cas paused. “It was the closest he ever got.” Sam gaped at the angel. This was some part of his brother he had never seen or really heard of. When Dean had ever been sentimental, it was usually followed by wit or a deep helping of sarcasm. Genuine emotion was something almost unheard of.

"Until the last time. I told him we were close, Benny even said we were close and I remember seeing that strong, tough mask crack on Dean's face. How, shining through the small cracks of his machismo, there was relief and even something bordering on tranquility. That night, Benny went to 'sleep" Cas even used the air quotes. "Dean and I were left up, alone, watching the sky continue on in nothingness. Sometimes, if you looked close enough, you could see the fire reflecting as if the sky itself were a giant reflecting pool. Dean was going on and on about you, how happy he would be to see you again, to drink again, to eat a burger again. I must have looked sad while he was describing all this because he asked me what was wrong." Cas took a deep breath and sighed. "I explained to him the same thing I did today; telling him we had met many times before, but how this time was different. How this was probably the last time we would see each other alive. I tried to tell him how much he meant to me, but my feelings were not coinciding with the words I was trying to find. He shushed me and looked into my eyes... He said "I am not leaving you, Cas. Not this time. You're too important... I-" Cas paused, looking at Sam. He looked so helpless; like Cas himself couldn't even say the words he so longed to hear. "I cut him off. I kissed him. I let him forget. The next morning was the push to the end, and I pushed him away." Cas finished sadly.

"Listen... Cas..." Sam started, hoping to offer some form of solace, some form of comfort to the angel who was literally beating himself up inside over the one thing he couldn't control.

"Sam, I know your good nature is going to try to convince me of how this is 'just how he is'. He's rough and hard and still soft on the inside, like a crab. The difference is, I am not another crab. He now sees me as the gull wishing to capture him and drop him on the rocks." Sam sat stunned for a moment.

"There has to be an answer. We have to be able to help him." Sam said with some earnest.

"Honestly, Sam. At this point, I think the only being that can help Dean is himself. The pattern of this particular illness only seems to get worse when strong emotions are brought to the surface. That multitude of emotion that he has been pushing down and trying to bury since the night your mother died." Cas said his voice weary and broken. Sam saw how much Cas had been giving and how much a toll whatever had been going on with him was taking. They both sat quietly at the table, not knowing what to say next.  
**********  
 **It was dim, cold and so strangely quiet. No ambient life, no crinkle of leaves being stepped on, no delicate tango of the branches in the wind. It was still and so odd, but inherently beautiful. The one thing he was sure of was this wasn’t Earth anymore, this was somewhere else. A perpetually grey, forested wasteland filled with the angry spirits of things that went bump in the night. Angry things, frightened things, yet still flesh and need and desire. It had been what felt like weeks, trekking through the forest and chopping through whatever crossed his path. His eyes were merciless, they said. Cold and clear as emeralds, some even swearing you could see them glinting in the darkness of the unforgiving night. Of course, only most of this was hearsay. Dean often found himself chuckling about it, because how could there be anyone to tell stories if he killed all the creatures he came across?**

**The rest was more or less true, mostly because Dean was on a mission. All the things he had been more than happy to kill twice knew this too, mostly because he found himself enjoying the occasional monologue. It was hard traversing this wilderness alone. Not adding on top of the fact that he was pretty much just walking in random directions, searching for someone he knew to be here. The one being that had risked its own life to save his. An angel that he had been being a pretty crappy friend too, but this had finally given him the chance to even begin to repay Cas. No one was going to get left behind.**

**Finding Benny was a blessing. Someone who knew where to go and what to do to get out meant that all he had to do was finally track down his angel. Time seemed to pass faster now that Dean not only had a companion, but someone who had answers and someone who wasn’t above killing his own kind. Most of the time, they would spend the days walking and talking. Dean would ask questions, finding out rather quickly that they were indeed in Purgatory, how some monsters come here because their souls are already gone, leaving their fate permanently indeterminate. Benny would answer without hesitation, except when Dean was talking about demons… or angels. Then his answer would come in non-committal grunts and sardonic chuckles.**

**Benny wouldn’t ask Dean questions. Sometimes Dean would offer stories and Benny would listen. He told the stories of the more interesting hunts he and Sammy had been on, avoiding most of the vampire stories except for the Gordon Walker saga, which even Benny admitted was pretty fucked and also totally bad ass of Sam. It was after stories like this that Benny would say something like “I can’t wait to meet this baby brother of yours, Dean.” And Dean could only reply with a half hearted smile, already knowing what Sam’s reaction would be. Anger, hurt, resentment. Dean must have practiced that first speech in his head a million times, explaining why Benny was different and Sammy would still end up hurt. One night, though, the conversation was different.**

**“So, how close do you think we are?” Dean asked warming his palms against the small fire they had built. The awesome thing about creatures that go bump in the night is most of them try to avoid the light, and there was plenty of wood around. Fire was the most powerful tool in their arsenal.**

**“Couple ‘a days, maybe.” Benny replied, looking off randomly into the darkness. Not all the blood in the shadows was pumping, but it was still blood and Benny could smell it. “You wanna go over the plan again?” He asked, stretching himself out a little more.**

**“We really need to find Cas.” Dean said after a minute of thought. Benny sighed.**

**“You would think if he wanted to be found, we would’ve found him by now…” Benny said with a slight shrug. He sounded tired, almost annoyed at saying the phrase. “Besides, I told you, I don’t know how his kind gets through the gate. I don’t think you can do it, Dean.”**

**“We aren’t leaving here without him.” Dean said with the same finality as always.**

**“What if you had found him, but he just wiped your memory or something?” Benny asked, his voice heavy with sleep.**

**“Is that a hypothetical or are you trying to tell me something? Because I know Cas, and he would never do something like that.” Dean said sternly. His only answer was a soft, deep inhale and he looked across the fire to see Benny’s eyes closed. “Ass.” Dean swore softly with a smirk.**

**“You have a lot of faith in me, Dean.” A raspy voice said quietly by his side. Dean jumped slightly and smiled, pulling Cas into a big hug.**

**“Fuck, man. It’s so fucking good to see you.” Dean said quietly, as if he was scared to wake up the sleeping vampire only a few feet away. Which he wasn’t going to wake until after Cas left, like always. After Dean let Cas go, both sat side by side, staring into the depths of the dancing flame in front of them.**

**“Dean, what if I told you that Benny was right?” Cas finally broke the silence with a question.**

**“What do you mean?” Dean asked, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth, getting ready to laugh at an actual joke or just the adorableness of Cas’ ineptitude.**

**“He’s right, Dean. We have met several times.” Cas replied almost above a whisper. Dean’s face was blank, unreadable. Cas waited several minutes in a tense and awkward silence before continuing. “I didn’t want you to lose focus, I didn’t want you to get distracted. There were feelings… exchanged.” Cas admitted uncomfortably.**

**“Woah… Cas…” Dean started, but it was his own train of thought that had stopped him. There was something in what Cas was saying that was making more sense than he would have originally given credit to. There was a moment when he realized that Cas had really passed the impossible standard Dean had as prerequisites for joining the family. Dean knew they were close, but never had he put much thought to them being… together.**

**“I can let you remember, if you’d like. Before I do though, I do want to tell you that I have no intention of returning to Earth.” Cas said with a sad smile and a tinge of finality that Dean had only heard the angel use a few times in the years they had known each other. “I do not know where angels go when they die, but since I am here and I am not truly dead, I feel this is the penance I have due.” Cas explained as he looked off into the darkness. “I belong here because I cannot harm my family or the beings in my charge. It is safer for everyone if I stay.” Cas finished looking back over at Dean. The hunters face was carved from marble, hard and cold but Cas knew to look into those eyes. Cas sighed. “There is one thing you cannot hide, Dean. It was how I found you, broken and shredded in Hell. It gives away the heart you have buried under all those layers of concrete and pain. I remember when I first heard the words “Eyes are the windows to the soul.” I never truly understood what that meant until I had eyes.” Cas said with a sad smile, hiding those cerulean blue pools.**

**“Angels don’t have eyes?” Dean asked quietly. Cas’ eyes flashed up at his face.**

**“Not in the same way humans would understand. I have seen the beginning and the end of universes, I have seen species evolve and go extinct all in one blink. As an angel, it is like seeing everything and nothing all at the same time. You just have to learn to focus on what you really want to see.” Cas paused. “Being human is so limiting, but also so glorious in its simplicity. Everything you see, everything you perceive is in your immediate vicinity. I remember seeing the world through these eyes for the first time. It honestly felt like I was on the inside looking out through a window, and I realized that inside every person, every being that I looked in to was the same. A glorious, wonderful being trapped in a place with a single window looking out…” Cas let out a small laugh.**

**“I don’t think there’s anything glorious trapped behind my eyes, man.” Dean said in a small voice, sounding so scared. He tried to cover with a chuckle, but it sounded fake to the both of them.**

**“Dean, when I look at you, I see everything and nothing at the same time. I see universes come to life and blink away. I see billions of organisms evolving from the lipid green of your eyes and go on to become successful and impressively long lived species. I don’t need to focus because it is all you, every single bit is you. Every life, every star, every rock, it is all you.” Cas said, never breaking eye contact with Dean. He watched those green eyes get wetter and wetter until tears were rolling almost uncontrollably down Dean’s cheeks. Cas reached up to wipe a few tears away with his thumb and was surprised as Dean let him without any protest.**

**“Have you ever said that before?” Dean asked softly. Cas smirked and shook his head. “You really think that?” Cas nodded. “I don’t feel that way. I feel ugly and naked and crippled, chained to a wall and malnourished. Looking like I was raised by wolves, feral and carnal and stupid.” Dean said as he tried to choke back his tears. This was way too chick flick for Dean’s taste and he was desperately trying to gather back some semblance of manliness. “I always thought people looked at me and saw a pretty face. Then if they would get any closer, they would realize how dark and ugly I really am. I don’t deserve to be seen that way… the way you see me. I’m not good enough for that.” Dean admitted, finally pulling away from the angel’s gentle touch. Cas let out a chuckle and Dean looked up at him, the tear stains on his cheeks beginning to dry.**

**“What is funny about that?” Dean asked defensively.**

**“When humans are alone for too long, or perceive there is no one there to take care of them emotionally, they become despondent. They become something that’s like a shadow of a person, constantly double checking everything, asking every question twice. They stop trusting anyone. They look in the mirror and see this blackened, twisted shell because they’ve forgotten how beautiful they really are. You aren’t this thing you see, Dean. I want you to finally realize that.” Cas begged, scooting his body closer to Dean’s, invading his personal space with actual intent. Without letting Dean respond, Cas pressed his chapped lips against Dean’s. The hunter froze briefly before melting into the single point of contact.**

**“Please come back with me, Cas.” Dean whispered when they finally broke apart.**

**“This conversation we have had too many times, Dean. The person you are here is different from the person you are at home. There is no guarantee of a future for any of this. There is no guarantee you will remember me saying any of this.” Cas murmured back, his hands twitching and aching to lay his hands on Dean. “It doesn’t matter anyway, Dean. You have to wake up now…” Cas whispered, and Dean began coughing, feeling more tears running down his cheeks.**

**“I don’t-“ Cas placed a finger over Dean’s lips.**

**“Wake up, Dean.” Cas whispered, but he almost sounded like Sam.**

**“No, Cas. Please, don’t leave me…” Dean begged, feeling the world around him begin to fade.**

**“It’s okay; you can wake up, Dean. I’m always watching over you…” Cas said before he faded into nothing.**

Dean shot up in bed, sweating and his face covered in tears. His whole body throbbed, aching all the way down to the bone. Groaning and fighting the urge to scream out, Dean twisted to put his feet on the floor. He had forgotten that he was worse, his body covered in sores which now felt like they had been oozing rather than a sweaty nightmare. Dean groaned as he thought of the combination of the two. He needed to shower or take a bath and Sammy needed to change… burn his sheets. Stumbling in the dark, he wrenched the door open, shielding his eyes from the sudden onslaught of light.

“Sammy!” Dean tried to call out, his voice raspy and quiet. The bathroom was closer than the library, so Dean stumbled, clutching onto the walls all the way into the bathroom. Deciding that vertigo and trying to pee would probably end up bad for him and anyone who would have to clean up after him, Dean opted to sit down. He had no idea how long he had been asleep, but after finishing up and washing his hands carefully, he scooped a few slurps of water into his mouth. It was like heaven was flowing down his throat, and Dean gulped down as much as he could without choking.

Splashing water on his face, Dean wondered if that had been a dream or a memory. Or some weird combination of both. Had Cas really said all those things? Dean was trembling slightly, thinking about the things Cas had said and the look on his face. His body was distracting him enough for his mind to gloss over how important this would be or could be. Clearing his throat, he paused, wondering who he should call for. If he called for Cas, this whole issue would have to be brought up and if there was anything Dean was good at, it was avoiding anything and everything that had to do with his emotions. Hissing at a fresh wave of pain washing through his body, Dean clutched the sink. Deciding bed would be the most beneficial thing for him, Dean turned himself carefully and started shuffling back to his bedroom.

“Sammy!” He managed to call down the hallway. His voice sounded raspy and broken, but it was stronger than when he tried before. He heard some distant shuffling before he called out for his brother again. Finally sitting back down in to bed, Sam appeared in the doorway, concern etched on his face.

“How are you?” Sam asked carefully.

“I don’t know, Sam. I just need some favors because I can’t do this shit myself.” Dean explained quietly, clearing his voice again trying to find his normal tone.

“Yeah, sure. What do you need?” Sam asked the eagerness in his voice apparent.

“Um, well first a new set of sheets would be killer. I can shower or take a bath or something, clean some of this shit up since Cas can’t fucking heal me.” Dean bit out bitterly, continuing before Sam could offer up some sort of defense. “Take a look around the bunker, see if you can find some medical supplies that aren’t ancient or go into town or something. I’m dehydrated as shit, and if I’m sleeping for 18 hours and can’t hardly move when I’m awake, I’m gonna need an IV or something.” Sam just nodded at him to continue. “And I have no idea how to treat open fucking wounds like this, so get some gauze or something so we don’t have to do this sheet changing thing a million times a day.” Dean coughed softly at first, but then couldn’t stop. Gasping for a breath, Dean finally calmed down and looked up at his brother. He could see the question etched all over his brother’s face.

“And Cas?” Sam asked simply. Dean scoffed, torn between having Sam kick him out and wanting to bring him in here and question him about the particulars. He was getting flashes of those eyes and all the emotions they held, but he didn’t want to actually think about the meaning behind it all.

“I don’t give a fuck.” Dean spat out bitterly. “Do you think there is some sort of wheelchair or something here? I had a hell of a time getting to the bathroom and back…” Dean said as he stretched. Sam finally entered the room and walked over to Dean, standing in front of him. “Take a look around, but please… help me back to the bathroom. I need a bath. I’m all sweaty and covered in pus and probably some other crap…” Sam just nodded, piling Dean into his arms and walking the both of them into the bathroom.

“I’ll take a look around, Dean.” Sam was turning to leave, Dean sitting on the toilet seat before spinning back around. “Listen, uh…” Sam swept a hand through his hair. “Cas and I have a theory. Well, Cas was the one that noticed.” Sam paused and Dean urged him to continue while reaching to the knobs and starting to run a hot bath. He was hoping his skin wouldn’t boil off or something as equally as horrific. “Cas thinks that your attitude is affecting the symptoms of whatever kind of curse this is. Like, the worse you feel about yourself and your life, the worse the symptoms are.” Sam said all at once, almost too fast for Dean to hear.

“Oh good. It’s nice to know that all this guilt will actually be the thing to kill me instead of the path I was taking. Pickling my liver one bottle at a time wasn’t working fast enough…” Dean said sarcastically, grunting and hissing as he peeled the sticky shirt from his lesion covered torso. “There’s something else, Sam. I can feel it.”

“I think since this is our only theory, we should work with it.” Sam offered meekly, obviously afraid their idea would get rejected.

“You realize how ridiculous that sounds, right?” Dean asked incredulously, turning down the heat on the bath as it continued to fill.

“Does it though? Think about it, Dean. You see yourself as this unworthy piece of shit that isn’t deserving of anything good, let alone life.” Sam pointed out.

“Cas has lied to me before, Sammy. He’s lied to both of us now. We already know this Naomi bitch is out to harm us both, and if she gets me first then you’ll just kowtow.” Dean saw his brother stiffen.

“Yes, Cas has lied to the both of us. The difference between his lies and yours though is he fucking apologizes, Dean. He did, every time. He has been swamped in guilt about everything he’s ever done. You don’t. You walk by it like it never happened and it’s killing you now and you’re still to fucking thick headed to see it. There are so many people who have loved you and who love you now. You’re so scared of being accepted for who you really are that now you’re just acting like a child. Man the fuck up, Dean.” Sam said quietly, almost to save Cas from hearing them fight. Dean sneered at Sam and stood to take off his boxers and slowly lowered himself into the bath. “I’ll go into town and get what you need. If you need help getting out of the tub, Cas is down the hall. I’ll be back in a few hours.” Sam said with all the finality he could muster before storming out of the bathroom and leaving Dean alone with that last thought. Cas saw Sam approach from the hallway looking angrier than he had seen him in a while.

“Sam?” Cas asked as Sam was gathering everything he would need for the trip quickly and with a frown on his face.

“Dean’s being an immature little bitch, and I’m going into town to see what medical supplies I can scam. There’s a first aid kit under the sink, wrap his wounds, change his sheets and get him back into bed.” Sam said as he walked up the stairs and out the door, the loud clang echoing in the high ceilings.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean isn't getting better and Sam can't handle it.

The heat was busy warming Dean’s muscles and it was doing its best to release the tension headache building up in his neck. Sam had no idea what he was talking about, trying to assume what Dean had been thinking and feeling. There was no way their theory could be right, there wasn’t any way he could die from being a piece of shit. If that were true, what about Hitler? Or Kim Jung Il? There are some people in this world that their own actions should have killed them a dozen times over. Sighing and stretching slightly, he felt his shoulders and neck were still tense making it impossible to relax. His whole body still had a dull ache to it, and the hot water was only helping so much. Dean closed his eyes and tried to melt into the tub, like he used to after a long hunt and ending up back at Bobby’s. The man had a claw foot tub, much like this one. It was nice after a particularly violent hunt, especially after a bout with Demons. It really didn’t feel awesome the next morning after being thrown around a room by an invisible force. His train of thought was interrupted by a shy, soft and stuttered knock on the door frame. Cracking open his eyes and craning his neck backwards, Dean only needed to see the bottom of that damn trench coat before groaning and closing his eyes again.

“It’s been 45 minutes since Sam left. You have not said anything and I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Cas’ voice was small and careful. A pang of guilt pierced Dean’s heart. He never liked hearing Cas as sad as he was right now, so insignificant sounding. How could something so powerful be so avoidant of being powerful.

“Uh, actually…” Dean said when he heard the rustle of fabric. He couldn’t tell if Cas was trying to venture closer or trying to leave. “I could use a glass of something more significant than water and some pain killers.” Dean managed to say.

“When was the last time you ate?” Cas asked again, a little more hope in his voice.

“I guess not remembering means it’s probably a good time to eat again.” Dean said with a small chuckle.

“I would agree. Do you think you can keep food down?” Cas’ voice was closer and Dean opened his eyes again to see that he had indeed entered the bathroom.

“No way but to find out.” Dean answered with a smirk.

“Sam said that I should dress your wounds… though I should probably change your sheets first.” Cas said and Dean could already see the panic of having too much to do writing itself into Cas’ face.

“Whoa, man. One thing at a time. How about we start with getting me out of the bath and dressing these… whatever the fuck they are.” Dean said, now taking a long look at the lesions covering his skin. “So go into my room and grab me a shirt and some peejays and come back here.” Cas smiled and started to turn to go. “You aren’t going to be all weird with me being naked, are you?” Dean asked a little sarcastically but trying to be serious. Cas looked back at him, confused.

“I do not believe I can be weird, Dean.” Cas said with a little smile. Pulling a towel from the rack and laying it closer to Dean, Cas walked out of the bathroom. Dean reached to empty the tub and managed to pull himself up without much effort. Wrapping the towel around his waist, Dean sat on the seat cover of the toilet and waited for Cas to return. Moments later, Cas came back with a pale blue shirt and a pair of boxers. Handing over the underwear, Cas busied himself with finding the first aid kit under the sink and a number of anti-septics and painkillers and throwing them all in the sink.

“You remember what I was trying to teach you? About cleaning wounds like this?” Dean asked, throwing the wet towel over the edge of the tub and taking his seat again. Cas nodded slightly, ripping into a clean bag of cotton balls. “You’re gonna have to talk to me though, distract me. Alcohol on open wounds stings like a bitch and I have about 500 of them.” Dean said with a small chuckle.

“Ah, yes. One second then.” Cas disappeared without Dean even being able to ask a question. Not like the fluttery wing disappear, but he had just turned on a heel and left. A few moments later, he came back with a tall glass of milk. “It is not food, but it will stall the pills from eating away at your stomach and intestinal lining. Though I do think that you will experience quite the high before we get an actual form of substance in you.” Cas said as he handed over the glass and popped open a pill bottle, handing Dean one of the pills inside. Dean looked at the bottle and asked for another, ignoring Cas’ look as he shook out the second and swallowed both before Cas could verbally protest.

“What would you like me to talk about?” Cas asked, grabbing a cotton ball and wetting it with the alcohol. Dean hissed as he pressed the unworldly cold ball of cotton against a lesion on his shoulder. Dean knew exactly what he wanted to talk about, he just didn’t know how to bring it up.

“Are they memories or are they dreams?” Dean blurted out, unable to stop himself. That was weird, Dean thought to himself.

“What?” Cas asked, cleaning a few more lesions and letting the alcohol dry. Dean knew this process was going to take a while. Layer of alcohol, let it dry followed by a layer of peroxide, then came the ointment and the wrapping.

“I had a dream last night. We were in Purgatory and we were about to go through the gate. You were telling me what you saw when you looked at me. Into my eyes…” Dean explained, feeling Cas pause for a brief second before continuing.

“What did I say?” Cas asked quietly, moving quickly down Dean’s arm and starting on the torso of the same side.

“You said I was brilliant on the inside. That I was all universes and species and shit. You told me you didn’t have to focus on just one thing to see the whole me… did you actually say that?” Dean asked, following it quickly with. “Because that’s pretty girly, dude.” Cas smirked and sighed softly.

“I did say that. So I suppose it was a memory.” Cas said as he worked his way down Dean’s ribcage on one side. Dean’s skin jumped at the sudden change in temperature, but Dean could feel the pills starting to finally kick in. He was feeling a little floaty. Must be the pills making him so honest, Dean thought.

“You told me to wake up at the end.” Dean said softly.

“Well then, one would conclude that was a memory and also a dream then.” Cas explained, moving toward the top of Dean’s boxers. The stinging was all starting to blur together, the pills were making him feel like he didn’t care about anything and Cas was so close, Dean could smell the thunder, ozone, fresh cut grass smell that always seemed to hang around him.

“Sammy said that you guys had a theory..." Dean trailed off, enjoying the difference of sensation between the cold rubbing alcohol and the dance of Cas' fingers across his skin. Cas chuckled softly.

"I suppose you could call it something like that." Cas said pausing and disposing of the small heap of cotton balls. Grabbing the gauze and letting his coat drop to the floor, Cas grabbed Dean's hand and held his arm out. "Should I cover them and wrap them, or just wrap them?" Cas asked softly.

"Uhm... just wrap 'em I guess. Not like we can do much else. This seems to be progressing in a pattern, so it seems sort of pointless to go balls to wall..." Dean trailed off, hypnotized as he watched the white fabric start encircling his arm ever so carefully. "Why didn't you just tell me what happened? In Purgatory, I mean..." Dean murmured. Cas' deep blue eyes flashed up to his face and Dean swore he could see a light blush dance across his cheeks.

"It goes along with the theory. Your emotional issues have made it more or less impossible to be intimate with you outside of a world where we are the only semi-sane inhabitants." Cas paused to put the gauze back down and start down the oppisite side of Dean's torso. Dean hissed as he felt the sting of the alcohol again. "I also assumed that your homophobic tendancies would cause you to second guess the nature of our relationship." Cas explained softly, working his way down to the waist band of Dean's boxers before wrapping the arm.

"Homophobic... what?" Dean asked, the fuzziness of his brain making everything feel like he was trapped underwater, but still able to breathe. He felt like he was floating, but since it was just him and Cas, he felt like now might be the best time to be honest. Sam wasn't around after all, and even the thought of Sam hearing what he was about to say was nerve wracking. Or it would be if he wasn't high on painkillers dissolving in his empty stomach. "People can be with who ever they want. I am not homophobic." Dean said in a tone that sounded more like he was trying to convince himself rather than the angel bandaging his wounds.

"It really doesn't matter what you are. What matters is I meant what I said." Cas said, moving his focus down one of Dean's legs. "What matters is that you're a good person, and the fact that you believe you are anything less is baffling to me." Cas said with a small smile, rolling up his sleeves before sitting on the ground with the cotton balls and rubbing alcohol.

"I'm not though." Dean almost whispered. Cas paused but didn't look up at Dean. Dean watched the angel's shoulders heave with the weight of a sigh and all the things he didn't want to say. Or maybe it was the tedium of having to repeat himself to the human yet again. "You saw what it was like in Hell, the horror of it all. The stench. The sounds. You don't know what I did, Cas." Dean's voice cracked slightly and he hastily cleared his throat.

"You are right. I don't know what you did. I'm not sure if I want to know, but I am sure you are going to tell me." Cas had a small amount of unsurprised humor in his voice, wrapping gauze down Dean's left leg and moving over to his right. Dean was silent for a while, both of them were. Just as Cas was started to wrap Dean's right leg, Dean finally spoke.

"It was body after body. They just kept bringing people to me. I was drunk on the power, high off the smell of blood and the sounds of their screams had finally become a symphony. They thought it was funny when I did dissections, so thats what they kept telling me to do. I took out every single bone out of dozens of arms and legs. I would toss the bones, the organs, the scraps to the hell hounds that circled, smelling the blood and knowing that it was a meal. I literally took people apart so it wouldn't have to happen to me anymore." Dean shuddered and sniffled and Cas had finished wrapping his other leg and was slowly standing. "I was so weak, I gave them everything they wanted. I opened the first seal, I tortured hundreds of thousands of people. If that alone doesn't make me a horrible person..." Dean trailed off, dabbing the tears on his face with his newly wrapped hands. Dean jumped at the soft and cautious touch of Cas' hand on his cheek. His eyes snapped open and looked up to see Cas' face just etched with pain and suffering.

"I remember battling through hoards of demons, fighting my way to you. I remember how Alastair and Lucifer both tried to hide you from me. I remember finding you anyway, grabbing you and fighting against you. I remember when I spread my grace around you, you became almost childlike, curling up in my arms. I saved you, Dean, because I know that no matter what they made you do, you are not that person." Cas said pulling Dean carefully onto his feet and starting to lead him into the library. Cas was more than willing to help Dean through his emotional crisis, but it would be easier to get him to eat as well in this state.

"Then find a reason for Jo, Ellen and Bobby." Dean choked out. "They were all the family Sammy and I had left and now they're dead too. All because I had to make a fucking deal with the god damn devil and go to Hell." Dean sniffled and Cas finally just picked him up for the last few yards, depositing him carefully in a chair.

"It was their choice to help you, Dean." Cas said quietly.

"They never would have had to make the choice if I hadn't started the damn apocolypse!" Dean shouted. Cas sucked a breath in as a blossom of red appeared on the gauze on his left arm. "And then there's Sammy..." Dean's whole body seemed to collapse under the weight of his guilt. "If I hadn't gone to him, Jess would still be alive. He'd be a happy, married guy with the two point five kids and the white picket fence and a good job. Instead I dragged him back into this shitty life and destroyed the one he had made so carefully to escape me and Dad. Everyone I've ever cared about is dead, dying or I fucked them up pretty bad too. You included." Dean said, his teary eyes finally settling back onto Cas' face. Another blossom of red appeared on his leg.

"Dean, you have no effect on another's free will. You do influence their decision, but Sam could have stayed home with Jess. Jo and Ellen could have to. They loved you and they knew that they would sacrifice themselves to help you, to save you and your brother, to save the whole of human existence. You saw them, they are all in Heaven because of their sacrifices." The splotches of red were coming faster and Dean's face was covered in tears. "Dean please, nothing that has happened has ever been directly your fault..." Cas wanted to touch him but didn't know how.

"All of it, all of them, Dad, Bobby, Rufus, Jo, Ellen, Ash..." Dean was sobbing now, blood almost soaking into all the gauze and Cas saw red gashes appearing on his chest. Cas closed his eyes and put two fingers to Dean's forhead and the man was instantly unconscious.

"Dean..." Cas said into the silence before walking down the hall to change Dean's sheets and put him back into bed.

**********  
Sam came back about an hour after, to a disheveled angel sitting at one of the long tables, his head in his hands. Sam sighed and took most of the food into the kitchen before going back out to the car and bringing in the medical supplies. He had managed to find some IV fluids, so Dean wouldn't waste away, plus immune boosting suppliments in hope that it would help his body fight the infections that were ravishing him.

"Did you get him to eat?" Sam asked quietly. Cas' hand's fell silently to to the table and he exhaled a deep sigh.

"He had an emotional break down. He's worse. There are literal open wounds on him now and the only way to keep him from bleeding out is to change the bandages every few hours." Cas said shakily. Sam could now see the brown splotches of where the blood had dried all over the usual crisp whiteness of his shirt. "He's blaming himself for all of your friends and their deaths. Or how none of them can live a real life anymore. He's having nightmares, and so more wounds keep appearing." Sam had collapsed in a chair close to Cas, the wind taken out of him. "I keep trying to push his mind into a dreamless, almost coma like state but I am afraid if I push any harder I will do more harm than good."

"What are we going to do now, Cas?" Sam finally asked in the silence surrounding them both. Cas looked up at Sam, almost helpless.

"I don't know." Cas said quietly, before the silence was interrupted again by a moan of pain coming from Dean's room. "Take care of him, hope he does not die. Find a way to get him to accept that he is not the monster he thinks he is." Sam stood, gathering the stand and a few IV bags.

"Let me show you how to do this, because I might need to go searching for answers." Sam said as he started down the hall.

"Who will have answers? I thought we already checked all our sources." Cas said scampering quickly behind him. Sam didn't reply, but instead walked into Dean's room quietly, hooking him up to a morphine drip and a standard IV bag and walking back out again.

"I don't know, but I need to do something because I just can't sit here and watch him die." Sam said as he grabbed the keys and left through the door again. Cas stood in the middle of the room, abandoned and alone.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BAM have some feels. Angry!Cas.

Sam had been gone a few days, calling Cas to check in every 12 hours or so. They had been keeping Dean as unconscious as possible, Cas watching as some of the open wounds on Dean's body would close and new ones would open. Dean's subconscious was still tearing him apart, even as he slept. Cas, still being the angel, never had to sleep and so he just sat and watched. Cleaning Dean's wounds as he could, changing Dean's sheets when the sweat and the blood got to be too much. Cas was busy rewrapping Dean's arms when Sam called again.

"Hello?" Cas said into the phone, they had learned quickly that yelling or whispering didn't matter. Between the morphine and Cas' angel knock outs, the man wasn't any closer to consciousness.

"How is he?" Sam asked. Cas could hear the rumble of the Impala in the background.

"No change, but I don't know how much longer these supplies will last. A few days more and that's only if things don't get any worse." Cas said, finishing Dean's arms and walking quietly out of the room. Sam was silent on the other end of the line still, silent. Cas could only hear the Impala, faintly hearing the tires crunch onto gravel. "Where are you, Sam?" He asked gently.

"A few hundred miles out. Still looking for something..." Frustration was laced into Sam's voice. "I just can't believe there isn't some sort of cure, some sort of something that we can do. There's always been something..." Sam trailed off and Cas could practically guess where his thoughts were heading.

"I doubt the powers of Heaven or Hell could help him, Sam." Cas said firmly. Cas could almost hear the frown crossing Sam's face over the phone.

"You have a point. We're on too many shit lists at this point for anyone to want to help us. And blackmail is more or less out of the question, we don't have anything good anymore." Sam sighed heavily and Cas heard the Impala's engine die out. "I don't want to come back, Cas." Sam almost whispered, like he was ashamed. "I've seen Dean die so many times, I can't watch him waste away like this. If Dean's gonna die, he's gonna go out in some epic blaze of glory that's fitting for the life he lived. Or growing old with someone he loves..." Sam couldn't see but Cas felt his ears turn pink. "But this way? This isn't the way he's supposed to go." Sam's voice was thick, almost like he was about to cry.

"He's stubborn, Sam. He's not going to accept the answer. He would rather die, bleeding out and guilty than live and continue to save people from monsters and demons. We both love him, Sam, and that is something I know. But his constant excuses are what's killing him, not some curse or some magic cure that is just out of our reach. He is dying, Sam. He needs us both, please don't run from this." Cas paced up and down the library, hope that Sam was lying and that he was just sitting out in the driveway of the bunker in the Impala. Sam sniffled and cleared his throat.

"I'll be home in a few days with more supplies." Sam said thickly and the line clicked. Cas sighed heavily and put the phone on the table. Dean would still be okay for another few hours and it wasn't doing either of them any good for Cas to just sit there and watch. It was true that Dean was never the most expressive or the most emotional of the little family they had formed, but Cas was still having trouble wondering why Dean couldn't just accept love. He understood his fear, losing so many people and being a general displeasure in his own Father's eyes, but Cas had always hoped that their similarities would make Dean a little more comfortable with being broken. After all, Cas had defied his Father, his brothers and sisters; he had taken over Heaven and killed thousands of people drunk on his own righteous indignation. Sam and Cas both wanted the same thing, but maybe trying to subtly convince Dean he was worth something wasn't the way to go. Cas took a deep breath, steeling himself and walked back into Dean's room.

He was still asleep and Cas wasn't going to stop the morphine drip, but it was time to have some sort of talk. If it came to playing bad cop, it would be easier to explain Dean's worsening condition to Sam when there was a real reason behind it. Cas paused for a moment, looking at Dean's sleeping form in the bed. He was smaller, not nearly as muscular as he was a few weeks ago. His eyes hadn't sunk into his face yet, there were no obtuse shadows making him look sick. He was covered almost neck to toe in bandages, some still bleeding profusely through the gauze. Cas took a deep breath, realizing that this might kill him or at least push him to a point where death would be his only next step before placing two fingers to Dean's forehead and watching those green eyes flutter open. Dean coughed and Cas held up a glass with a straw so he could drink. After a few hefty gulps and another coughing fit, Dean's glassy eyes led into a goofy smile, almost melting Cas' nerves.

"I feel high... am I high?" Dean asked quietly, his head snuggling back into the pillow while his body shifted to test itself. "And I'm a mummy. Did I die? Did you resurrect me, Cas?" Dean's voice was raspy, loopy and a little silly. Cas looked at him with a broken smile, sad and heavy.

"You're sick, Dean. You remember?" Cas asked, placing a calm hand on Dean's chest and stilling his twitchy movements.

"Yeah, something is killing me. A curse or sommat." Dean's voice was slurred as another dose of morphine slid into his system. "This is nice. I feel like I'm snuggled up on a pile of kittens." Cas bit back a chuckle; this was no time to play into Dean's drug addled brain.

"Dean, you aren't getting better. Your brain is still trying to kill you, by making you feel unworthy. Which even though Sam and I tell you a million times that you are a worthy and wonderful person, you continue to refuse to believe. And it is killing you. The curse isn't the bad thing here, you are and you need to stop." Cas tried.

"Where's Sammy?" Dean asked quickly.

"He left. He's been gone for days. He couldn't see you this way; he didn't want to see you turn into what you've always been talking about. You're dying, Dean. You have lacerations all over your body that refuse to stop bleeding." Cas tried again. "Unless you help yourself, you are going to die and you are going to leave Sam and I here alone against whole worlds of damnation. We love you, Dean and we need you. You are the rock that keeps us grounded, the glue that holds the pieces of our shattered souls together. Without you, I don't want to think about what would happen." Cas sighed.

"Bullshit." Dean spat.

"When the gates of Hell were opened and Sam was possessed by Lucifer and I was dead, what saved the world? You did. Sam's love for you stopped everything and he held onto Michael and plunged them both into the pit. When I was God, you brought me back to my senses. You made me believe that what I was doing was wrong and horrible. Even when I released an epic evil onto the world, you still believed that I had done something right." Cas was almost begging now. "The people around you have been caught in horrendous situations and you always did what was necessary to pull them through or to let them die with honor and dignity. You need to believe that."

"I don't." Dean responded softly.

"This. This is exactly why I tried to stay in Purgatory. I knew you would still be the same stubborn, self sheltering sad sack of a human. 'Wah wah wah all my friends are dead.' Well grow the fuck up, Dean." Both men looked surprised at Cas' sudden expletive. "I killed hundreds of my brothers and sisters for you. I defied my Father and rescued you from Hell because I believed you were the answer. Your compassion and the way people rally around you made you the perfect human to lead the coming rebellions. To save those worthy of being saved. To shepard those who needed to be lead. I have been waiting on you here, night and day to keep you alive because I do not want to see someone so special just deleted from existence." Cas fought back tears but kept going. "I realize now how vain this attempt has been. You are never going to get better. You are never, ever going to love me the way that I love you. You would rather let yourself rot away in pain and drug induced stupor than come to terms with the fact that your father is dead, that you are your own person and that you are worth something." Cas pulled away and wiped wet lines of tears off his face.

"You love me?" Dean asked after a moment, his voice heavy with inebriation.

"There will always be a part of me that loves you, Dean Winchester. Not just in the ways that humans can understand. Right now, I don't want to. It hurts more that I can't stop loving you and that all I want to see is that you get better. I know that you are never going to accept my love, I know that you will always second guess the very nature of my feelings because you don't believe you are worthy. So if that's what you want to believe then fine. Don't love me. But if you think I am just going to sit here, pining over you while you waste away before my eyes then you are severely mistaken. If you want to die alone so bad, then be alone." Cas stood sharply to leave, only stopping when a gauze covered hand encircled his wrist and a hiss of pain followed.

"I don't want to be alone." Dean whispered.

"But you still want to die?" Cas' angry tone was met with silence. "As long as you would rather die than accept any form of love or affection that is longer than a 12 hour romp in the hay, don't expect me to be here when you wake up again." Cas ripped his hand away from the scratchy, cottony grip.

"I don't know what I want, Cas. Please... don't go." Dean begged. Cas heard him shuffle around in bed. Spinning around slowly, Cas walked back to the bed.

"I will stay until Sam returns. I will wake you again then, and ask you what you want. If the answer is still that you want to die, then I will let you die. Alone, in this bunker. I will watch it destroy your brother and I will be here to comfort Sam, but I will never ever forgive you, Dean." Cas said, placing two fingers to Dean's forehead and sending him spiraling into unconsciousness again. "For your sake, I hope you dream of the answers." Cas said, watching the red blossom up faster now and Dean go pale. He couldn't heal Dean, but he could keep him alive. Grabbing one of Dean's hands, Cas let new blood replace the old before gearing up to change his bandages and sheets once again.  
**********  
“I’m sorry, Sam.” The first hurried words shot from Cas’ mouth. He had been practicing the speech for hours, trying to explain to Sam why he had been so cold but no good answers had come. No matter what Cas had thought of, the memory of Dean’s broken begging still echoed softly in his mind. Dean had asked, commanded even, that Cas stay with him in Purgatory. Every single time, Cas had blanked his mind and walked away. Mostly because he had never wanted to get to this point, the point of making Dean choose between himself and the angel. Sam just shot him a look of confusion. “He’s worse and it’s my fault and I’m sorry.” Cas launched into the story of what had happened with hardly a breath. When he was done, Cas collapsed into a chair, burying his face in his hands and choking back huge sobs that threatened to crack his chest open. Human emotions really were a terrible pain, he thought as he tried to take in huge gulps of air.

“Cas, I don’t…” Sam sighed walking over and sitting him in a chair close by. “I know you didn’t do this on purpose.” Sam was quiet, unsure of how to really comfort the angel. What he had done was careless and Sam wasn’t sure if he would have done the same thing. Both of them were scared, now coming to real terms with what it would be like if Dean was actually gone. They really had both used him as a rock, something that was always going to be there no matter what happened. Now there was a real possibility that this twisted form of suicide would be the thing that really tore him from their lives. Sam wasn’t sure that Cas would be able to handle it. “Do you know why you did it?” Sam asked quietly.

“For the same reason I said. I don’t want to just sit here and watch him die when life is only one word of acceptance away. If he could only accept himself in good and bad, I am almost certain he would begin to heal. I saw it earlier, when we first arrived here at the bunker.” Cas choked back another sob, the image of Dean’s happy smile flashing into his head. The man in the bedroom down the hall was not the same one they had arrived with.

“How?” Sam asked again, trying to keep him talking. Sam knew that no matter how stubborn they both were, talking about what was ailing them was usually the first step in getting the anger to fade.

“He was so happy to show me his home, he had gotten better sleeping on my lap. It’s almost like he remembered…” Cas trailed off quietly and Sam let him slip into his memories. “I love him so much, Sam. I almost let the Leviathan take me after I shoved him through the portal. I thought that if I wouldn’t ever see him again that there was really no reason in my life as a human anymore either.” Cas took a shaky breath. “Somehow I knew at that moment that I would get out. I would escape and I would see him again. That I would see the both of you again and that we would need each other.” Cas trailed off.

“Like some kind of premonition?” Sam asked.

“I suppose that would be the closest comparison. I didn’t have any visions, I just had a feeling. I just knew. So I ran, I hid, I did everything I could to survive there. Then suddenly, I was walking down a paved road. It felt like being human for the first time again, breathing in crisp mountain air and actually seeing colors. Everything in Purgatory is grey and bland, stale and unwelcoming. My first thoughts were thanking whatever force brought me here… turns out that force is the reason why Dean is dying.” Cas shook slightly and Sam finally reached over and put a hand on Cas’ shoulder. Choking back yet another sob, Cas leaned softly into the touch. “If I would have just found the courage to sacrifice myself, Dean would be fine and the both of you would still be saving the world. Now I’m destroying three lives instead of just my own.” Cas wiped streaming tears off his face.

“Please don’t say that, Cas. Dean is depressed and suicidal enough for the three of us. And don’t blame yourself, because if what you were saying is the real truth, you had no idea what you were doing anyway. There was no way for you to know that Naomi was controlling you, and we don’t even know if she still is. All we know is that now this is really up to Dean, because unless he can grow a little, he’s gonna die.” Sam said softly, knowing that there wasn’t really anything to say to comfort him.

“Dean should be waking up soon…” Cas said, placing one of his hands over Sam’s and giving It a slight squeeze. “He has an answer to give me.” Cas said as he stood up. “I want to apologize now, Sam.”

“For what?” Sam was scared of the answer.

“If Dean dies, I am truly and honestly sorry. I understand if you will never forgive me, I know how important he is to you. Just know that I would do anything to stop it from happening, even if it would mean giving my life in the place of his. The both of you have such amazing lives ahead of you. I have been since the beginning of the universe. I have seen plenty of lives lived and I just want you to know that because of you and your brother, this has been my favorite life to live.” Cas gave him a soft smile and stood to walk down the hall.

“Cas.” Sam said quietly. Cas turned slightly and Sam could see tears streaming down his cheeks. “Without you, Dean would still be in hell. You gave him back to me when I needed him most. I will never forget that, regardless of what happens.” Cas simply nodded and started walking slowly back to Dean’s room. Sam watched him disappear into the door way, wringing his hands and uttering prayers to every deity and demon he could think of. It never hurt to have a backup plan.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay seriously, don't kill me. Just wait, there's another chapter coming. Dean's being emotional and Cas is letting him.

Dean was shifting softly underneath the lone sheet he had been sleeping under. Cas could tell he was close to waking and fought every urge to put him under again. He didn't want to have this conversation, he didn't want to walk out of Dean's life and know that he would never see him again. Cas tried to will strength into himself, steeling himself for the aches that would soon be coming. Cas saw Dean's eyes flutter open and fall into lazy focus.

"Do you have an answer?" Cas asked softly, allowing himself to retreat slightly into his coat. He didn't want to hear the wrong answer. If Cas was still the kind that prayed, he would be praying at this moment. Dean coughed, but was still quiet. "Sam is back if you would rather speak to him." Cas made a small shift back to the door.

"No, wait." Dean rasped softly. Cas walked over to the side of the bed, grabbing the glass of water for Dean to drink from. Coughing more gently than usual, Dean cleared his throat and looked up as Cas. "I want to talk to you, Cas." He said warmly, his face breaking into a smile.

"What about?" Cas asked, returning a half smile.

"All of this. Don't let me die before I finish, otherwise you'll still be mad at me." Dean said with a smile and a weak chuckle.

"I will do my best, Dean." Cas said warmly, putting the glass back on the table and sitting next to Dean's hip on the bed. Dean was silent for a moment before clumsily reaching for Cas' hands and covering them with his own bandaged ones.

"I don't know if you can think while you're sleeping, but what you said yesterday kept echoing in my mind. And since I'm not much of a feelings kind of guy, I've been trying to figure out how to say this in a way someone else could understand." Dean cleared his throat and Cas immediately reached for the water. Dean sipped from the straw softly before continuing. "After my mom died, it kinda felt like love died too. Dad became all cold and distant and I always felt numb inside. As a little kid though, you crave love and when Dad wasn't giving that to me, I built up these walls to protect myself. To protect myself and Sammy." Dean shifted slightly, adjusting himself to get more comfortable.

"Which is normal, at least from what I understand of the human condition." Cas added softly.

"As we got older, love more or less stopped existing. Girls would tell me they loved me, but it never sounded real. It only sounded real coming out of Sam..." Dean said fondly, memories flooding his eyes. "But even then, it was hard to hang on to. Dad didn't really teach either of us how to function as adults or how to talk to normal people. Except to con what we wanted out of them. Food, money, shelter, sex... I became a real smooth talker." Dean's voice had a slight tinge of bragging and Cas could only smile.

"I knew that when I met you for the first time in this vessel." Cas blushed and Dean saw it this time. Smiling, Dean gestured for more water before continuing.

"I never thought anyone would love me. One night stands started to feel hollow, like whispers of something real. It was like being hungry when nothing sounded good or when lies just aren't enough anymore. The truth is, I'm scared... well, terrified of something or someone real. I see people in love and at the beginning they look so happy. When the inevitable end finally comes, it's like they're just shadows of the people they use to be. I see them put on brave faces for the people around them, only so they don't have to admit how miserable they really are." Dean coughed roughly and cleared his throat before continuing. "They fight because they have already said all the loving words and phrases that come to mind. I just never wanted that to happen. I never wanted to get out of the honeymoon phase."

"Isn't there some old saying about how relationships take work?" Cas asked softly, interrupting Dean and making him drink more water.

"They do say that. But They talk a lot about stuff they don't know about. Growing up, they always tell you that love should be effortless. I thought that I would know I was in love when sparks flew when we touched, racing underneath my skin and making me shiver... fuck this sounds girly." Dean said, coughing harder now.

"I don't care how girly you think you sound, I don't want you to stop talking." Cas said encouragingly. 

"Okay, fine. I thought that every time we touched, sparks would race underneath my skin. That I would suddenly feel just complete and whole. When nothing and no one ever felt like that, I decided that being alone would be easier. But as I lost more and more people, it's like this black hole opened up where my heart used to be. It scared people, and when I lost them, their memory would get sucked in to fester with everyone else I had ever hurt or wronged or lost or let down. It was so heavy, it's still so heavy, Cas. Carrying around all this guilt." Dean sniffled, tears forming in his eyes. "Until I realized it wasn't guilt, but me blaming myself. That's when the drinking became necessary instead of medicinal." Dean tried to smirk, but his tears didn't let him. "It's just been so heavy, I didn't know what to do. So I just shut down, and I stayed shut down for a long time. I probably hurt more people that way..." Dean coughed more violently now. "Until you." Cas looked up at him, surprise crossing his face. Dean had a soft smile spread across his face and he tightened the grip he had on Cas' hands enough to make him wince a little. 

"You picked me up every single time I fell, even when I fell to places no one else could reach. You were something constant, something as real as I could expect. But then you left me too..." The smile faded from Cas' face and Dean's eyes welled up with tears again. Cas opened his mouth to say something, to try to explain his reasoning, but Dean just shook his head softly. "You let me go and tried to tell me it was better, but it wasn't. All I ever wanted was to be happy and most of the time, man, it honestly feels impossible." Dean's face was getting paler, but he didn't look like he was bleeding any worse than before. Cas tried to not let worry dance across his face.

"Dean, this is completely different... I don't..." Cas was almost literally speechless, looking into Dean's watery green eyes.

"Well, save that thought because I'm about to go all Nick Sparks on your ass here in a minute." Dean said as he cleared his throat and gave a big sniffle, trying vainly to regain his composure.

"I am not entirely sure I'm comfortable with you being this emotional." Cas said with a small laugh.

"Yeah, well, you said you wanted an answer." Dean replied, returning the smile warmly. "Cas..." Dean paused. "Castiel. When I look at you, the whole world slows down, almost stopping. When you touch me, even accidentally, my whole body electrifies and it feels like in an instant, that nasty black hole where my heart was blossoms into this big, beautiful sun. I feel alive, more alive than I have for my entire life. You don't push away their faces to make room, you help me cradle each person I hurt or let down until I can reach forgiveness, and I just feel this overwhelming sense of peace and grace. I feel whole. I feel unstoppable and sure, confident and yet still the single focus of all your attention." Tears were streaming down the hunter's face and Cas was almost sure that he was hurting Dean with how tightly he was holding onto his hands.

"Dean, where is this all coming from?" Cas asked shakily.

"I've been dreaming, Cas. Remember when I asked if they were dreams or memories? You never shut down the flood gates. I've been hearing all the times you've told me you love me, whether it's blatant or telling me the stars are in my eyes or some shit..." Dean chuckles slightly, and Cas almost seems to notice him looking a little more healthy.

"Why now?" Cas' thoughts felt like they were short circuiting. He felt lost and confused at the same time as feeling found, cherished and possibly loved. Dean just looked at him and shrugged. "You are so frustrating, Dean Winchester." Cas said through a joyful sob. "I have been trying to get you to feel something, anything for years now and you literally have to be knocking on Death's door to come around."

"Nobody's perfect." Dean said with a twinkling smile.

"I know you care about me, Dean..." Cas started and hesitating. "But I feel like everything is just going to stay the same. You're doing this to get better because your ultimate fear is dying. Not just because you'd be leaving people behind, but because you know what it's like to be dead. I don't think you're going to fully heal until you can say it..." Cas trailed off, slipping his hands away from Dean's.

"Say what?" Dean's tone was desperate.

"Even if I tell you, you would have to believe it to get any better. At least I hope so, and I can't..." Cas sighed deeply and looked down at Dean's face. "I will not let you say it to me and not mean it. I will not allow you to lie your way out of another problem just because you think you can." Dean let out a small huff of frustration.

"Hell, man. I don't know what to do anymore. You have been the one good thing in my life..." Cas held up a hand, effectively silencing the man.

"This isn't about finding a reason in someone else to live. This isn't persevering because I need you or because Sam needs you or even because all the unearthly realms need you. For once in your life, Dean, stop trying to define yourself through others and just man up and be you. You are the person I fell in love with, not Sam's brother. Not the demon hunter. Not the torturer. I love you because when I held you in my arms, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I have seen stars collapse and universes disappear into black holes. I have seen mothers give birth and I have seen almost everything in between..." Cas sighed. "But when I laid my hand on you and I gripped you tight, I knew that you were the only being in the entirety of the universe that I wanted to see me the way I was seeing you. Fragile, vulnerable and real. I have loved you, Dean, every moment since that very one." Dean was opening his mouth to say something again, but Cas just kept on talking. "And I will always love you, but as I said, if you die because you cannot admit one single fact, I will never forgive you."

"Cas, please..." Dean said, grabbing for whatever Cas would let him hold on to. "I define myself through you because you make me want to be better. You make me want to be worthy of someone like you. I'm ninety percent crap, remember? That other ten percent is all you..." Suddenly the room was pregnant with silence and neither man knew what to say next. Cas hid his frustration, wondering if it would just be easier to write Dean a script, but he knew that it wouldn't be that easy.

"Just say it, Dean. Please." Cas whispered. The silence seemed to stretch on for ages, Cas looking down at the scratchy tan blanket, and the bandaged hands that seemed to be searching for something but could not find what they were looking for. Cas heard Dean let out a frustrated and pained sigh, almost like he had gotten punched in the solar plexis. "Please." Cas whispered again. 

"Cas." Dean's voice was small, broken and cracking. Cas snapped his head up to see Dean pushing himself up on his elbows. "I love you..." Hissing through the pain of moving and breaking open scabs, Dean pushed himself to sitting so he and Cas were face to face. "And I don't want to live without you." Cas let tears fall from his own eyes, wrapping his arms around Dean and hugging him close. Dean's whole body began to shake as Cas pulled him closer, and Dean wrapped his own arms around Cas' shoulders. Cas wondered why Dean hadn't stopped shaking, and when Cas pulled away slightly, he saw only the whites of Dean's eyes. Without a second thought, Cas brought his fingers up to Dean's head and his eyes slid shut, his body stilling.

"Sam! Sam!" Cas called out loudly, dropping Dean's body back onto the bed. Cas heard the distant scrape of wood on concrete before leaning back over Dean. "I love you, Dean. Don't make me live without you." Cas pressed hesitant lips against Dean's, almost sobbing that they were unable to respond. "Don't die, Dean. Please." Cas whispered, pressing kissing along Dean's jaw line and nuzzling his face into his shoulder. He heard Sam run up to the door way.

"What happened?" Sam's voice was breathless and broken. Cas tore himself away from Dean's collapsed body and sat up. 

"He said some beautiful things." Cas whispered. "He finally said the truth... and then..." Cas' voice cracked and he tried to regain his composure. "And then he had a seizure. So I put him back out." Sam walked over, grabbing one of Dean's hands and pulling the bandages away from his wrist. When he couldn't find what he was looking for, Sam pressed two fingers to Dean's neck.

"His pulse is weak and slow..." Sam said quietly, still holding on to Dean's hand.

"Tell him, Sam. He can hear you, tell him how important he is and how I am not his only reason for living." Cas whispered, letting his fingers drift over Dean's cheek. His tone was fond, and Sam cleared his throat to say what he needed to say.

"Dean, I can't let you leave. This isn't the way you're supposed to go out. I love you too much to see you waste away like this. You were always there for me and now it's my turn to be your rock and to tell you that this is destroying you and it's stupid. We've been up against the worst of the worst and come out of it with just bumps and bruises. You shouldn't be the thing that kills you." Sam sighed. "It's not even that I need you, Dean. In reality, I don't need you. But I want you in my life, I want us both to be able to retire someday and for you to meet someone who loves you unconditionally like I did. Like Mom did." Sniffling slightly, Sam paused. "Cas is right, man. You can't die this way, or I will never forgive you." Sam huffed out a broken laugh. "I've seen you die by taco, piano and whatever else, but never once did I see you waste away into a skeleton. Now that I've seen you die..." Sam looked over at Cas, remembering what he'd told him about seeing Dean die a thousand thousand times at his own hand. "Now that Cas and I have both seen you die in almost every way possible, don't you think you could save us just this one?" Sam asked, gripping Dean's hand in hopes that his brother would groan and tell him to ease up a little.

Sam and Cas both sat on either side of Dean for who knows how long. It was only when a muscle in Sam's back twinged that either of them moved even a little. There had been no change in Dean, which neither of them could say was good or bad. He wasn't getting worse, which was good but he hadn't woke up in the several hours they had been sitting there. Cas looked over as Sam stretched and smiled softly.

"You should get some rest." Sam jumped a little at the unorthodox break in silence. Looking from Cas to Dean then back to Cas again, Sam shrugged. "I will come and get you if he wakes." Cas assured softly.

"What will you do?" Sam asked, pushing his sore body up from the bed and groaning unintentionally.

"I'll stay with him." Cas said, petting the side of Dean's face with his knuckles. "He loves me, Sam. There is no where else nearly as important for me to be." Cas carefully crawled over Dean's legs to where Sam had been sitting. Stripping off his tie and kicking off his shoes left the angel in a dress shirt and suit pants and socks. Sam smiled, realizing that this was a breaking down of walls for the both of them. Turning softly, Sam whispered goodbye to his brother just in case and went down the hall to go to bed.

Cas waited until he heard Sam's door shut before crawling under the lone sheet and wrapping what parts of him he could protectively around the unconscious hunter. For the first time in eons, the angel closed his human eyes and listening to a faint pulse still beating away in Dean's chest, slept and dreamt of living again among the stars.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's in a coma, so he has a lot of soul searching to do. When he finally comes back around, he's like a different person.

**Blackness, deep and whole. Darker than any dark he had ever experienced. It was almost like the absence of color was trying to seep into his bones and make him something dark. It wasn't time for that anymore. He didn't want to live in the darkness anymore. He didn't want to walk the fine line between shadow and demon, he wanted to breathe in the sunshine again. The silence was absolute. It was almost as if he was suspended in the inky black of space, silent and cold and alone. Wrapping his arms around himself, he tried to remain the beacon of light in the darkness. He was alone and he needed to survive. Where ever he was, he was not going to stay here. He was needed, wanted. Suddenly, there was a whisper in the darkness.**

**"It's safer here, you know that." It sounded familiar, but he brushed it away in the hope that this was all just another dream or another near death experience.**

**"It's not. I'm alone here and alone isn't safe." He responded quietly. He heard the thud of heavy footstep in the distance.**

**"Now, now, you know better than to lie. Especially to yourself." The voice was getting louder, like it was coming closer.**

**"I'm not lying." He insisted, unwrapping his arms and moving to stand. There was some sort of weight holding him down, no matter how much he pushed on the blackness beneath him, he would not move.**

**"We both know you're not strong enough to escape, Dean." The voice cooed. It sounded distorted and thrown, he couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from. "Unless maybe, someone came to rescue you." The voice chuckled in surround sound. "Honestly, Dean. It's really pathetic that you need your widdle brover or a baby in a trench coat to save you." Dean was still trying to push himself to standing.**

**"You don't know anything about me." Dean tried to brush the voice away, still trying to stand so that he could start moving. Start trying to find a way out. The voice flat out laughed this time.**

**"Oh, Dean. This really is adorable. Should I just tell you what's going on, or wait until your little brain finally works it out?" The voice teased and Dean shifted onto his knees for more leverage.**

**"I'm not stupid." Dean murmured.**

**"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over all the machismo pouring out of you right now." The voice called from somewhere behind him.**

**"I am not stupid. Don't call me stupid." Dean said louder, feeling a tiny fraction of the weight on his shoulders shift.**

**"Do you even know how to measure intelligence? Beauty? Courage? You've been at the bottom of a bottle for so long, I'm sure they all look easy to answer through a haze of amber liquid." The voice teased, getting closer. Dean kept pushing.**

**"Knowledge comes from common fucking sense, not books. It comes from mistakes and triumphs, not the inside of four walls. I'm fucking smart..." Dean said, feeling the weight ebb off another fraction.**

**"And beauty? All your little one night stands, Dean. Every single one of them look the same. Long dark hair, big pretty eyes, and the perfect hourglass bodies. You can smell the daddy issues on them, can't you? It's why you chose every one. Leaving them in the night, just like their daddies did..." The voice cackled. "That's why you love that angel. Dark hair, big eyes, daddy issues. The only thing he's missing is those soft, supple curves for you to run your teeth across."**

**"He isn't missing anything." Dean gritted through his teeth.**

**"So what are you then? Some sort of fag? You know how your father would react..." The voice trailed off.**

**"My father was a good man. He was a broken man, but he would love who ever Sam or I chose to love." Dean was able to sit up, still feeling like weights were laying on his shoulders. But it wasn't being crouched on the ground anymore. "And what the fuck do you care?" Dean asked into the darkness. A small huff of laughter answered.**

**"Dean, I am trying to get you to see the monster you really are. Don't you remember me?" Dean's jaw dropped as he watched himself materialize out of the darkness. "I shouldn't be surprised if you don't. You haven't faced yourself in who knows how long."**

**"This is totally fucked." Dean said softly, watching himself laugh. "And also a total cliche." His other self stopped laughing. "So who are you supposed to be? The me that would have stayed in Hell? The me that I would have turned into without Sammy? The me that destroyed Sam?" Dean's other self was smirking, but wasn't saying anything. "Answer me, you asshole." Dean growled.**

**"So feisty! No, Dean. I'm the you that you keep hidden under all these layers of bullshit. The real you. The one that likes seeing fresh blood seeping out of a torn out neck, or spurting from a neck stump. I'm the one that likes using women as a replacement for all those lonely nights with your hand and nothing more. I'm the one whispering in the back of your head that you aren't a good person because..." The other him clapped once. "SURPRISE. You aren't a good person." The other him sneered, looking down at him. "I'm the monster you always thought you were because that's just who you are..." Other Dean put his hand on Dean's cheek.**

**"You're wrong." Dean said, spitting in his own face. Other Dean slapped him before reaching up to wipe the spittle of his own cheek.**

**"No, Dean. You're wrong. You're a monster and you always will be." His other self looked him over. "Unless you want to try and stop me." Other Dean knelt in front of him. "Come on, hit me." Dean struggled to move either one of his arms, but it was like he was chained to the floor. His other self laughed and stood swiftly. "I didn't think so. You're weak, Dean. You've always been weak." The other Dean was circling around him like a hawk.**

**"You're wrong." Dean insisted, his voice shaking slightly.**

**"Am I now? Sacrificing yourself because you don't want to live anymore is weak. Drinking every night because you don't want to feel anymore is weak. You are the epitome of weakness, Dean Winchester and no one can know that better than you. No matter what reasons you try to give yourself, you always end up being the weakest one." Dean growled, trying to press himself up again.**

**"Stop it." Dean grunted, shifting and moving and turning himself, trying to stand. Trying to fight.**

**"Why? So you can go back to a life of lies? Why don't you just let little Sammy and that adorable angel just go off into the world and die when they are meant to? It's what's better for the world, Dean. No more Winchesters and no more rebellious angels."**

**"Bullshit. Without us, the world would have ended years ago. You know that as well as I do." Dean grunted, managing to pull one of his legs from under him and set it flat footed on the ground.**

**"Ah, it almost looks like you're about to propose? Who's the lucky one this time? Lisa? Jo? Will it finally be that angel who's been ruining the cosmos just for you?" Other Dean bit out angrily.**

**"You know, no wonder none of those women wanted me. Or anyone else for that matter. If I really acted like you're acting, I wouldn't blame any of them." Dean said, finally managing a sort of awkward crouched position. The weight on his shoulders was more manageable now, but it still felt like he was being hogtied down onto the ground. "I have met demons and angels whose only purpose was to kill or destroy or torture and I would fuck every single one of them before I would even let you think about my dick." Dean smirked, straightening his body. Other Dean was losing focus and composure. It almost looked like he was becoming transparent.**

**"I am who you really are!" Other Dean screamed. "No matter what you do, I will always be here. Lurking in the shadows and making you loathe yourself all over again." Dean stood up to his full height and smiled as his other, darker self.**

**"You know, I have believed that for a long time. I really have. Dad taught me that I was bait, Sam left me and I have watched everyone I love die. Whether or not they came back, it didn't matter. What matters is I have grieved for every person lost except myself. I died. According to Sam and Cas, I've died more times than anyone is fully aware of. I'm fucking Lazarus, dude. But Death is one of those things you just don't forget." Dean sighed, feeling more weight lift. "I remember thinking about wanting kids, and the white picket fence and the normal life for a long time. But that's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to save people and hunt things. I'm supposed to make the world better, without one iota of gratitude or acknowledgement. I am a god damn super hero and somewhere along the line, I forgot that." Dean smirked and took a small step forward, feeling all the invisible bonds slide off him like water. "You are the one that's dead. I never mourned you. I never realized that I had stopped being this dark and twisted thing and that I had finally become a person." Other Dean was shocked.**

**"This is..." Other Dean stammered.**

**"It's not though. I am not impossible and you aren't real. You are the remnants of a creature that I thought I was, but I'm not. I'm a hunter and a good person, and you are the shadow of me. The reminder of what I could have been. You aren't real, and you need to go away now." Dean said softly. Other Dean vanished in a wisp of smoke without another word.**

**Dean was alone in the darkness, but he could move. Directions were useless in a black wasteland so he just started walking. Feeling like he was in a bad comic, especially after facing the nega version of himself, Dean began to wonder. He knew all of the things he had just said were true, but he wondered why he hadn't come to those conclusions earlier. Stopping where he was, Dean closed his eyes. It wasn't that much different except that he couldn't see himself anymore. Turning in a slow circle, he tried to feel which way to go. Spinning slowly, he felt warmth creep over him and as he kept turning, he felt cold again. Turning back to the warmth, Dean started feeling his way out of what he assumed was the black hole that was in his chest. He wanted to wake up, he wanted to feel the sun again. He wanted to tell Cas that he loved him, fully and completely and that he was sorry.**

**It felt like he was walking forever, eons and an untold distance. He kept walking. Mostly because he was alone. There was no one there to rescue him, there was no one there to guide or lead him. He had on singular focus, to get back.**  
**********  
Cas was still asleep, or whatever angels do when they close their eyes. Dean was warm, cracking his eyes open in the dimly lit bedroom he had been in for what felt like forever. Taking a deep breath, Dean felt healthier than he had in his life. Breathing in again, Dean felt the weight of something on his chest and for a brief moment, he thought that he was still trapped deep inside of himself. Craning his head, Dean saw the tangled mop of dark hair and a hand resting on his chest. Thanking every god he could think of, Dean raised one of his hands and placed it over the one on his chest.

Cas stirred softly, making those adorable wake up noises Dean had never gotten to hear. The rush of the inhale and the soft grunt of being slammed back into consciousness. Cas looked around, as if he had forgotten where he was before those enormous blue eyes found his own. Dean was smiling as he saw tears well up in the angel's eyes.

"Dean, I thought..." Cas rasped before Dean moved his still bandaged hand up to Cas' cheek. Dean shushed him and pushed himself forward until their lips touched almost innocently. Dean heard Cas let out a squeak of surprise before melting into the touch. Dean pressed in to Cas' lips like he was starving, finally licking his way in and kissing Cas like he had always wanted. Softly, deeply, with all the passion he could muster, trying to show Cas instead of explaining how much he loved him or how much he needed him. Cas was letting out soft whimpers and Dean could feel hot tears mingling into their kisses. When Dean finally pulled away, it was mostly to breathe and he saw Cas flushed and crying and happy.

"I love you, Cas." Dean whispered. Cas choked back a sob and buried his face in Dean's chest. "But I need you to do something for me." Dean said with another smile. Cas looked up at him again.

"Anything, Dean." Cas said softly, looking at him like he was the only person in the world.

"Can you help me get the bandages off? I need to shower and if I don't eat some solid food in like an hour, I feel like all the good you just did might be meaningless. I'm starving..." Dean trailed off. Cas laughed softly and nodded, helping Dean sit up on the bed.

"Before I do, can I go get Sam? He was very worried." Cas asked, sliding over the bed to sit beside Dean.

"Yeah, man. Go ahead. Can you just start one arm? You've got me wrapped better than a mummy..." Dean chuckled and Cas looked like he was hearing the laughter of the heavens. Untucking the bandages on both of his shoulders, Cas hurried out of the room. Dean was pulling the long strips of gauze off him slowly, inspecting his skin. He remembered the lesions and some of the open wounds, but it's almost like it was all some horrible nightmare. Except for some faint pink lines, it was almost like it had never happened. He was working on unwrapping his left leg when Sam appeared in his doorway, white as a sheet but with a smile that was threatening to break his face in half. Dean stood on shaky legs, already having removed his own IV line. Sam wrapped his arms around Dean, tightly.

"Woah, Sammy." Dean grunted, feeling like Sam was literally squeezing the life out of him. "I'm okay, man..." Dean coughed, hugging his brother back tightly. Sam finally let him go and Dean could see the shining of tears in his eyes too. Cracking a smile across his own face, Dean chuckled.

"Man, with the way you guys are acting, you'd think I was dying or something." Dean joked and Sam let out a happy sob of relief, punching his brother lightly in the arm.

"How do you feel?" Sam asked, sniffling.

"Like a million bucks." Dean said with a sigh, stretching before sitting back down to unmummify himself.

"What do you need?" Cas asked. Dean laughed.

"Guys, I know you're happy that I'm not a dying invalid anymore, but just calm down for a second. Okay?" Dean smiled. "I need to get the basics. Shower, food, water. Maybe a shot or two, but that can wait. First and foremost, shower and clean sheets because it smells like death in here." Dean said walking out of his room and into the bathroom. "And before you ask, you're gonna want to go grocery shopping. I haven't eaten real food and forever and I feel like my stomach is an empty fucking pit. It's gonna be a long shower..." Dean said shutting the door behind him.

"Does he look different to you?" Sam asked Cas as they both stared at the bathroom door, hearing the shower turn on and a very grateful moan come from inside.

"He looks happy. Free." Cas said softly. "Do you really have to go shopping?" Cas finally looked up at Sam.

"I'll make something real quick before I go, so Dean doesn't start drinking on an empty stomach, but yeah. All I got was food for me, you know he hates vegetables." Sam laughed. Cas just smiled.

"Just go, Sam. If he needs anything, I will be here." Cas responded softly. Sam placed a hand on Cas' shoulder before running up the stairs and out the door.  
***********  
Dean got out of the shower some 45 minutes later. Sam wasn't going to be back for another hour at least. Dean walked into his room to see Cas smoothing down his new fresh sheets. Smirking, Dean cleared his throat. Cas turned around and Dean could see the blush come up in his cheeks as he realized that Dean was just in a towel.

"What happened?" Cas asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I thought you were just going to die, so I tried to put you in a coma. I had no idea if you were actually going to wake up or not." Cas' hands were nervously laced together. Dean walked over and sat down beside him, untangling Cas' hands and taking one in his own.

"I was in this blackness. And there was the bad version of me there. I didn't listen to him, Cas." Dean said softly. "Where's Sam?" Dean asked, looking at his doorway.

"Out shopping, like you said." Cas stated simply.

"Good." Dean smiled and leaned in to Cas' personal space, letting their lips touch softly. "There is something I have been dying to do." Dean whispered, pushing himself forward and pressing their lips together a little harder before tackling Cas onto the bed and straddling his hips. Leaning down, Dean kissed Cas, licking his lips softly and asking for entry. Cas opened his mouth, moaning loudly at the feeling of Dean invading him. Cas placed unsure hands on Dean's hips and arched his own ever so slightly, causing Dean to moan and attack his mouth further. Breaking the kiss panting, Dean shifted so Cas could pull himself more fully onto the bed.

"You know what isn't fair though?" Dean asked, placing kisses along Cas' jaw and on his neck, trying to remember every sound and every taste. Not wanting it ever to end.

"No, what?" Cas managed between happy little gasps.

"You've gotten to remember all the kisses and all the touches. I have memories, but I don't remember what happens when I kiss you here..." Dean placed a butterfly kiss on the pulse in Cas' neck. Cas sighed happily. "Or what happens when I do this..." Dean nipped softly at the skin where Cas' neck and shoulder meet, making the angel gasp and giggle. "And oh, so much more..." Dean growled as he slid his hands up Cas' strong stomach and chest. "It's just not fair." Dean mock frowns.

"Well, lets just go one step at a time then..." Cas suggested, grinding his hips up again, smiling as he sees Dean's eyes flutter closed for a moment.

"But what if I want you now, all at once. What about "thank god you're alive" sex?" Dean asked playfully, dipping back down to nip and kiss at Cas' neck.

"You're malnourished, dehydrated and you just came back from the brink of death. Do you really believe that now is the best time to be engaging in coitus?" Cas asked, letting his hands drift from Dean's waist and down both of his thighs. Dean chuckled at him.

"In any other circumstance, Cas, I would say that 'engaging in coitus' is probably the biggest mood killer ever, but right now..." Dean smiled. "I could honestly care less." Dean bent to kiss the angel again, but a solid hand on his chest stopped him.

"Dean, I love you. I want to show you how much I love you, but not at the expense of your own health..." Cas trailed off.

"What's going on?" Dean asked, sliding off of Cas' hips and laying down next to him on the bed. "Is something wrong?"

"No, well." Cas hesitated for a moment before turning to look at Dean. "There was only one thing I was adamant about in Purgatory, Dean." Cas sighed softly. "It's probably buried in your memories, but in all honesty, I am still a virgin. What we did was never blatantly sexual. It was more sensual, like whispered promises of tomorrows that we both wanted." Cas smiled, embarrassment making him blush instead of arousal this time. Dean's jaw dropped.

"Well then..." Dean cleared his throat. Rolling closer to Cas and kissing him deeply and softly again, Dean nuzzled close to Cas' ear. "We'll eat some dinner, have some laughs and when Sam goes off to bed, I'll bring you back in here and take you apart like I've always wanted." Dean whispered. Cas let out a soft little moan. "How does that sound?" Dean asked.

"Wonderful." Cas breathed softly, capturing Dean's lips in another passionate kiss. They were pressing into each other softly, running hands across skin. Dean, after making Cas' head spin dizzy with kisses had managed to completely untuck and unbutton his shirt. Kissing and licking paths up and down the angel's body, paying close attention to those little spots that made him jump or moan or giggle, mapping his body for later but knowing that it would change. Dean was busy sucking a hickey into Cas' hip when their heard Sam's voice echoing in the main section of the bunker. Giggling like teenagers, the hastily got dressed. Dean shoved Cas out into the hall first, his shirt still half untucked and his tie and other accessories forgotten on Dean's floor. Sam took one look at Cas and just smiled.

"You look like you found a way to keep busy while I was gone." Sam's smile only got wider when he saw the blush creep into the angel's cheeks.

"What did you get for dinner?" Cas asked, trying to change the subject.

"Well, I planned for several courses so I hope you're hungry too. Even if you aren't, you might want to fuel up..." Sam said suggestively with a little wink. "We have salad, which I am going to make Dean eat because he needs the vitamins, then some steak and potatoes with some tomatoes on the side. Then I was thinking apple pie. It isn't home made, but when it's pie, Dean doesn't seem to care."

"Pie? I heard pie. Can I have dessert first?" Dean asked as he walked up the hallway. He was still wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt but for the first time in weeks he looked healthy. Sam and Cas both laughed.

"Dean, usually after a near death experience, I would give you whatever you wanted. This, however, wasn't a normal near death thing. This was you becoming malnourished and needing something other than sugar to kick start your body again." Sam said in his most responsible voice. "I did get two pies, so there isn't any rush." Sam said with a smile.

"There's a catch. There's always a catch." Dean narrowed his eyes at Sam and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You have to eat all the veggies I put in front of you, Dean. Every last one." Sam said as he walked into the kitchen, arms loaded with bags.

"I get two pieces for dessert then!" Dean called after him before walking over to Cas and pulling their bodies close together. "One at the table... and maybe one off of you?" Dean asked, stealing a kiss off of Cas' surprised lips. "Or is that too much?"

"Dean, if there is one thing I know about you, it's that pie always comes first. I would never want to get jealous of baked goods, especially in the bedroom." Cas was smiling and as he pulled away from Dean, he started to tuck in his shirt.

"Are you ever going to stop being a tax accountant?" Dean asked as he sat down at one of the too long tables.

"I don't follow." Cas stated as he finished buttoning all the way up to his neck.

"I've seen you in literally nothing else but that suit for the entire time I've known you. I'm just saying that it might be nice to see you in something else." Dean said with a shrug. Sam had finally come out of the kitchen, bringing Dean and Cas both a beer and saying he was just starting the salad and pan frying the steaks. After toasting the both of them, Sam smiled and walked back to the kitchen. Dean took a long pull on the beer, his eyes closing gently.

"What do you mean by something else?" Cas asked quietly.

“Something that isn’t a suit. I mean, you’ve seen me and Sam. When only wear the suits when we need to. You might want to think about trading in the monkey suit for something more casual.” Dean said with a shrug. Cas looked at him and sort of shuffled his feet. “Don’t worry, man. I’ll help you.” Dean said with a wink and draining his beer. It was apparently perfect timing as Sam came out of the kitchen with three big bowls of salad to set at the table.

“Steaks are in the oven, sides are getting ready.” Sam said as he pushed the salad in front of Dean, who looked at the bowl with a grimace. “I swear to God, you are worse that a petulant child. I already promised you extra dessert and you haven’t eaten anything in like almost three weeks. Eat the god damn salad, Dean.” Sam said with a smile and a roll of his eyes. Dean sighed, realizing that fighting would be useless. Picking up a fork, Dean dug in and suddenly realizing that it didn’t matter what it was, it was food and Sam was right. His body was starving.

Clearing his bowl first, Dean asked for another beer and Sam was all too happy to oblige. Sam brought him a beer and a promise of whiskey with his steak, and they all sat chatting about anything but the last two weeks. They talked about Kevin, about the angels and Naomi. Sam got more clarification on prophets. Dean and Cas sat close together, sharing small touches and not so hidden smiles. Sam though it was cute and kept doing his best to keep them both involved and distracted by keeping up the random conversation. As promised, when Sam went to go get the steaks he also slid Dean a tall glass of whiskey, that Dean tempered quite well with his meal. Once Dean had cleared that plate and drained his glass, Sam brought out the pie. One slice for him and Cas and two slices for Dean, one with ice cream. Cas had eaten everything that was put in front of him, the color he had lost worrying about Dean slowly appearing back into his face. After finishing both slices of pie, Dean leaned back rubbing his suddenly too full belly.

“I don’t know if I want to eat more or if I want to take a nap...” Dean said with a soft smile.

“I think we’re all a little tired, Dean.” Sam stood up, grabbing the plates off the table. “I’m gonna head to bed because for once, I think I can sleep without having a nightmare of you dying.” Sam smiled and walked toward the kitchen. “And if you two could keep your hands off of one another for like an hour, that would be great. I’d like to actually fall asleep.” Sam called back to them. Cas looked absolutely shocked and Dean chuckled at a combination of the look on his angel’s face and his brother’s remark.

"So you need to tell me more about all this virginity and Purgatory stuff. Which I am guessing will give the Moose enough time to get to sleep." Dean said as he walked over to the small bar they had set up for more whiskey.

"I thought I had already told you everything of import, Dean." Cas said, his voice edging on the uncomfortable.

"Was it your idea? I mean, it would make sense. Though I can hardly understand why you would want to keep these sexy paws off you..." Dean said with a wink, scooting his chair as close as possible to Cas' and taking a long sip of his drink.

"That's just it, Dean. It wasn't me. I didn't ever question your decision because you never explained..." Cas trailed off as Dean's fingers started tracing invisible patterns on his thigh.

"Doesn't sound like me at all." Dean said quietly, taking another sip and pulling his hands back into his own personal space. "I was really different down there, wasn't I?" Dean asked softly, not meeting Cas' eyes. Cas hesitated for a moment. Right at his fingertips was everything he wanted, everything he had been craving and waiting for and he knew that one wrong word could change everything. Sighing softly, the angel reached out and grabbed Dean's hands.

"Yes, you were different. But that whole place was different, I was different. It was almost like we became each other and forgot our other selves. I was intent on sacrificing myself to save you and you were obsessed with saving us. All of us." Cas sighed again. "To be honest though, Dean. I missed this you. I missed the bad ass, devil may care, cocky jerk that you always have been. Mostly because I saw you stripped of all that. Deep down, there is an inherent sweetness and softness to you but that's not the only thing I love about you." Cas gave Dean a small smile.

"Huh." Dean huffed, squeezing Cas' hands and resisting the urge to pull the angel into his lap and take him right there across the table. "I never thought that someone would love the asshole in me." Dean pulled one hand away to finish off the rest of his whiskey.

"Considering how much different you look after waking up, I would say that you have accepted a lot about yourself. The next step is accepting the things I say about you too." Cas said sweetly, pressing an almost too long kiss to Dean's cheek.

"I don't deserve you." Dean murmured with all the heat and warmth in his voice he could muster. Cas chuckled softly before he stood and offered Dean his hand.

"No, Dean. You deserve every inch of me." He said with a soft smile. Dean grinned, almost from ear to ear before taking Cas' outstretched hand and pulling the angel close to him. Realizing that talk really was cheap at the moment, Dean instead pressed his lips softly to Cas' gradually deepening the kiss until Cas was the one who had to pull away to breathe. His deep blue eyes were almost swallowed by the size of his pupils and Dean knew that no matter what the next few hours would bring, it would be something Dean would remember for the rest of his life.

"I think Sammy has had plenty of time to try to get some sleep, don't you?" Dean asked softly, peppering whispers of kissing along Cas' stubbly jaw line. Dean paused to just breathe him in, he smelled like rain and ozone and freshness. It was maddening. Cas pressed his body flush with Dean's and Dean could feel how excited Cas was at the thought. Dean hummed softly, pressing his thigh back into Cas' erection. The sound of Cas moaning reverberated through Dean's chest and straight into his own cock. Impulsively, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and picked him up, walking straight back to the bedroom. The look on the angel's face was worth everything, shocked at how strong Dean was after almost dying.

Letting Cas slide sensually down his body, Dean turned and quietly closed the door, making sure it was locked from the inside. Dean spun around, finally drinking in the nervous being before him. Dean licked his lips softly, all thoughts of sleep driven out of him the moment he heard the lock successfully click.

"I can tell you one thing right now..." Dean started as he crossed the room toward Cas, his eager hands automatically reaching for the overly starched shirt and starting to slowly pull the buttons open. "You are not wearing this stuff to bed." Dean said huskily, pressing a hungry kiss to Cas' lips as his hands skittered from button to button, lower and lower until the shirt fell open. Dean's hands were trembling slightly before he finally pressed them against Cas' smooth, creamy skin. Cas tried to silence a small yelp, turning it into a soft moan. Dean knew they both felt that heat, that electricity from the simple contact of skin on skin alone.

"Dean..." Cas moaned out softly as Dean slid the shirt gently off his shoulders and let it puddle down on the floor. Dean began spreading small kisses and nips along Cas' strong shoulders, holding him close and feeling him shudder.

"I'm going to take care of you, Cas..." Dean whispered into the miles of skin he was exploring. Dean let his fingers glide over Cas' chest, down his belly and feeling the strength hidden behind all that skin. He let his hands ghost over his new lover's hips before settling on his belt. Cas' breath hitched slightly before he gave a minute nod. Dean smiled, kissing into him hungrily and pushing him back toward the bed, stopping when he felt Cas' knees connect with the mattress. Dean slid the belt out from the loops and clumsily went for the zipper before haphazardly pushing the pants and underwear down the angel's thighs. Cas gasped as Dean's warm forearm grazed lightly over his stiff cock. Dean chuckled before pushing Cas slightly and letting him fall to sitting on the bed.

Dean bent down to take off shoes and socks before pulling the remaining clothing down surprisingly muscular legs. Dean looked up and smiled. After knowing each other almost half a decade, after battling through untold hardships, after going to every level and coming back to each other, Dean finally had his reward. A very naked, slightly blushed pink angel smiling back down at him. Dean tore off his shirt and stripped out of his sweat pants before climbing onto Cas like he had done earlier, comfortably straddling his hips. Cas reached up and ran his fingers softly over Dean's tattoo and let his fingers wander over to the brand of his own hand, no longer puffy but still incredibly visible.

"Do you know how long I have been dreaming of this?" Cas asked in a whisper. They locked eyes and Dean shook his head. Cas smiled softly, propping himself up on his elbows. "Never in my wildest dreams did I think you would ever look as good as you do now." Dean smiled and blushed, knowing that he looked different. He was thinner, some of his muscle tone had faded. His tan was barely healthy looking, but as he looked at the angels face, he saw nothing but adoration.

"You need to stop hiding under that suit. Or get something better tailored." Dean joked before pressing his lips to Cas' for another heated kiss. Dean shifted just right, causing Cas to tear away and cry out. Their cocks were brushing up against one another gently; it was soft but there was just enough friction to send little electric shivers up Dean's spine. "Though I can't decide what I want first..." Dean said with a smile, licking up his palm and wrapping his fist around Cas' hard cock. Precum was leaking out of him, and it only took a couple of strokes before Cas' whole cock was wet. Cas arched gently into Dean's touch as Dean leaned down into Cas' neck. Kissing, nibbling and stroking at the same time was causing a litany of moans to drip from the angel's lips as his fingers curled into the sheets and eventually into Dean's hair.

"I want you to come for me first, before I drag the next orgasm out of you. Kicking and screaming..." Dean whispered hotly into Cas' ear, his hand slowly picking up the pace. Cas was whimpering and moaning, gasping for more and fucking his hips hungrily into the tightness around his cock. "I just want to watch you..." Dean murmured, licking a stripe up Cas' neck before sucking a hickey right into his shoulder. He could feel Cas' body start to tense up beneath him, so Dean started stroking him faster.

"Dean..." Cas moaned, grabbing onto the hunter instead of the sheets.

"Open your eyes, Cas." Dean growled. His blue eyes snapped open and the moment they met emerald green, Cas was shouting Dean's name and shooting hot messy ropes across his own chest and Dean's hand. Dean waited until Cas' eyes opened again, fuzzy and out of focus before he brought his slightly cum covered hand up to his mouth. Cas' jaw dropped as he watched Dean lick his fingers clean.

"Fuck, you taste amazing." Dean groaned before swooping down and nearly shoving his tongue into Cas' mouth. Both men moaned around the taste. Dean broke the kiss to lick up the remaining cum off Cas' chest.

"I didn't..." Cas started, still mesmerized by the hunter licking him clean.

"Didn't think I would be into that?" Dean asked between licks. "You of all people should know that I'm full of surprises..." Dean said as he kissed his way back up the angel's chest to kiss him again. Cas moaned louder this time, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean's neck and keeping them together for several minutes.

"What do you want, Dean?" Cas asked breathlessly as he broke the kiss. Dean paused to think for a moment, sliding himself off Cas' body and laying beside him. Dean's fingers started to absentmindedly stroke Cas' chest as he thought.

"You're absolutely stunning when you come, by the way." Dean remarked, looking into Cas' eyes.

"Don't change the subject, Dean." Cas smiled and kissed Dean's jaw, slowly moving across the stubble and began to kiss down his neck. Dean hummed happily, gasping softly as Cas nipped at his pulse point.

"I told you, already. I want to do everything to you, but it's starting to seem like we have the rest of our lives to do everything..." Dean moaned as Cas turned his attentions to Dean's collar bones. "So right now, I just want to be inside of you." Dean moaned, digging his fingers into Cas' hips before rolling them both over so Cas was laying on top of him.

"Say it, Dean." Cas prompted, sliding down Dean's body leaving kisses in his wake.

"I want to fuck you. I want to possess you. I want you to be mine." Dean groaned as Cas' tongue started making soft circles at his hips. "Fuck, Cas." Dean groaned, resisting every urge to tangle his hands into Cas' hair. As Cas' hot mouth teased around his still very hard, and now very neglected cock, the temptation got stronger and stronger. One hand ended up on Cas' shoulder as that pretty pink tongue licked a stripe up the base of his cock. The other ended up on the other shoulder when Cas' hand wrapped around him and Dean's control was lost when he felt those thick lips part over the head of his cock and slide down inch by inch. Dean tangled one of his hands into that dark mop of hair, not pulling but grasping so he could make sure this was all real and not another dream. Cas' mouth was hot and tentative, exploring every inch of Dean. Dean knew he wouldn't last long, especially when Cas added his hand into the mix. It felt like someone was sucking his soul out through his dick, and Dean was able to grunt out a warning before arching his hips and coming hard, deep into Cas' throat.

"Holy shit, Cas. Where the fuck did you learn that?" Dean asked, breathless. Cas pressed soft kisses into his hips before Dean hooked his hands under Cas' arms and pulled him up. "No seriously, where the fuck..." Dean was silenced as Cas kissed into him with renewed hunger. Dean moaned at the taste of himself on Cas' tongue, hugging him close as they kissed.

"I have been watching humanity for quite some time..." Cas said with a smile, letting his head fall gently onto Dean's chest.

"So you've been doing the invisible perv thing while people are getting busy?" Dean asked.

"Not in the same room, no. But it is hard to watch humanity without picking up some of the finer nuances." Cas giggled softly. Dean chuckled and pulled Cas closer to his body. "I still want you inside me..." Cas whispered, letting his hand drift down toward Dean's hips. Dean gasped at the sensation of Cas' fingertips caressing his sensitive skin.

"Mmm, one thing at a time, Angel." Dean reached down and grabbed Cas' wrist, bringing it up to his lips so he could kiss the sensitive skin there. "I need to wrap my head around the idea that I severely misjudged you." Dean hummed happily, secure in feeling alive and safe right here. One day, this would get out from the locked room they were in but for now this was the only place in the universe that mattered. The only feeling Dean wanted to revel in was the warm body pressed up against his own.

"I'm glad I can still surprise you..." Cas said as he placed a few kisses wherever his head could reach.

"I love you." Dean smiled and pulled Cas almost on top of him again. "I really do, and I am so sorry that it took me so long to say it. I feel like I've known it forever..." Dean chuckled.

"I knew you would realize the extent of your feelings. I was just always hoping that it wouldn't be too late... for either of us." Cas responded with a heavy sigh.

"Hey, now." Dean said, actually pulling Cas on top of him. "Until I say so, the real world can't touch us in here. Regrets or whatever don't belong with us until we have to face them. Right now," Dean reached up and cupped Cas' face. "The only thing that matters is this." Dean kissed him softly, deeply and almost heart breaking in its passion. Cas wouldn't let him stop, and soon they were devouring the other like they would disappear if the contact between them stopped.

"I love you, Dean. I always have, and I always will." Cas whispered before diving in again. Dean could feel arousal pooling in him again, and he grabbed onto Cas tighter before flipping them both over on the bed and pressing Cas into the mattress. The whole tone of the room had changed. It had gone from loving and exploratory into the sex Dean had been craving from the moment he had woken up that day. Fevered and unforgettable, their hands were roaming. Grabbing, seizing, stroking and trying to claim. Dean broke from Cas' lips and started moving down his body, kissing and biting and trying to memorize every inch with his tongue.

Cas was moaning, almost sobbing with cries of more and more and Dean was ready to finally give him everything. Dean felt the hard press of Cas' cock against his chest as he moved lower and lower, bypassing Cas' cock entirely and kissing down the inside of his sensitive thighs. Cas cried out, pleasure and the heat of Dean's mouth making him arch and his hands scrambled desperately for something to hold on to. Dean hitched Cas' legs over his shoulders before starting to lightly kiss and lick as Cas' sac, eventually licking to the sensitive patch of skin beyond. Cas couldn't be quiet if he tried as Dean licked and kissed his way right up to his entrance.

Electricity shot through him, almost making him lose his breath as Dean's tongue swiped over his hole. Cas arched into Dean's touch and Cas heard him chuckle. Dean snaked his hand around to wrap around the base of Cas' cock while he was busy licking him open. Cas was crying out, pressing himself down on Dean's face while Dean's other hand was busy helping Cas get wet enough to slide in a single finger. God, he was so tight and hot, Dean's cock was leaking at the chance to bury itself inside. Dean pulled away, kissing both of Cas' thighs as he did and left the trembling man on the bed to catch his breath.

"I'm going to spread you open, Cas." Cas could hear him over his own ragged breathing. "I'm going to get you all nice and wet, and then I want you to slide that pretty ass down over my cock and ride me." Dean said, grabbing lube out of his underwear drawer and walking back over to the bed and settling himself in between Cas' legs. "How does that sound?" Dean asked, flicking the cap open.

"If you don't hurry, I'll do it myself." Cas panted. Dean smiled, slicking up a few fingers and pressing one against Cas' tense hole.

"Relax." Dean whispered, capturing Cas' lips in a kiss and then kissing from his lips to his ear. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you. I promise." Dean whispered and Cas moaned as he felt the first finger slip inside. Dean pumped it in and out slowly, pressing kisses all over Cas' face and neck before adding a second. He gave Cas time to adjust to the larger sensation before moving his fingers again. Dean looked down to see Cas' cock, flushed red and leaking. His whole body was slightly pink and he looked breathtakingly gorgeous.

"Cas, I can't even imagine how good you're going to feel wrapped around my cock. I thought your mouth was heavenly... " Dean moaned, grabbing more lube and gently pressing in a third finger. Once Cas' sphincters stopped fluttering around his fingers, Dean scissored them open. Cas gasped, his whole body arching and pressing down on Dean's fingers. "You are so ready..." Dean whispered hotly, kissing Cas deeply and pulling Cas onto his lap as he shifted. "Slowly..." Dean said, holding his cock ready. Cas reached around, moving Dean's hand and placing his hard waiting cock in just the right spot. Dean lost all breath and ability to think as Cas started taking him in, inch by inch. All the noise in the room stopped as Cas slid down lower and lower until his perfect ass was finally resting in Dean's lap.

"Fucking Christ, Cas..." Dean moaned, not ready to move yet. "You feel so fucking spectacular." Dean moaned, running his hands up Cas' thighs. Cas was silent before he started moving slowly. Dean let his hands drift up to Cas' hips, helping him move in the right way and letting his head slam back on the pillows.

It was slow, but it was passionate. It was loving and tender, and Dean couldn't open his eyes. The universe had exploded inside his eyelids and he couldn't stop watching planets and galaxies forming in time with his angel's soft movements. Cas' hand touched his cheek and he was vaguely aware of words reaching his ears. Dean's eyes snapped open and he couldn't believe what he saw. Cas' strong naked body, towering above him. His cock pressed right up against his belly, rocking softly on Dean. But it was the wings, the towering black impossible wings that seemed to fill up the room. Dean shifted, finally pressing his cock right onto Cas' prostate and the wings flared out. Cas moaned, and the wings trembled.

"You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." Dean whispered, letting his body finally take over and start fucking into Cas. Dean had seen what felt like a million bodies arching over the perfection of his cock, and while Cas was certainly the most special and the most beautiful, Dean found himself distracted by the giant, feathery wings that seemed to be swimming in and out of focus.

"You can see them..." Cas managed to say between moans. One wing curled in closer and Dean reached out to touch it. When tentative fingertips met curious feathers, the moan that came from the angel was loud and obscene. Dean dared to reach further, digging his fingers into the feathers and Cas shivered. Bringing his other wing around, Dean buried his hands into that as well, letting Cas take control. It was animalistic and Cas kept moaning and shivering. "No one..." Cas started but Dean was quick to fuck into him before he could keep talking. Dean could tell that Cas was close and he wanted them to come together.

Cas started fucking him back in earnest, and Dean felt him get hotter and tighter with every movement of his hips. Dean finally let go of the wings to wrap his hands around Cas' hips and fuck him with everything he had. Dean felt it before he saw it. Cas got vice tight around him, and his wings spread out wide. Dean would swear that he saw them change colors as Cas came around him, shooting cum all over his chest and ripping Dean's orgasm out of him hard. When Dean opened his eyes again, the wings were gone but he saw Cas' face streaked in tears.

Dean pulled Cas down to him, kissing away the tears and shushing him, letting his cock go soft and pulling it out gently. Dean was rubbing the angel's back, trying to feel for the wings he saw, but there was no real indication they were there. Cas was crying softly into his chest, long after the cum had gone cold and it felt like they were glued together.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" Dean whispered, kissing all over the angel's face.

"No." Cas sniffled, finally letting himself collapse next to Dean.

"No to which?" Dean asked, pulling the blankets up around them, not caring about the dried cum at the moment.

"Both." Cas choked back another sob.

"Is that good or bad?" Dean asked, concern not hidden anymore. Cas curled himself around Dean, sniffling and trying his best to stop his tears.

"For a moment, I didn't just see heaven... I felt it." Cas whispered softly, and Dean could feel the hot drops of tears still landing on him. Dean smiled and wrapped the angel in his arms, kissing all over his face.

"You miss it, don't you?" Dean asked, rubbing his hands up and down Cas' back.

"I do. But you've shown me that I don't have to." Cas' watery smile finally met Dean's concerned face. "You are all the heaven I think I might ever need." Cas smiled and pressed a soft kiss against Dean's lips.

"It's not like that every time, you know." Dean tried, yawning softly before closing his eyes. "Sometimes it's just like walking to the store to pick up milk." Dean yawned again, pulling Cas into his chest almost possessively.

"If I am having sex with you..." Cas kissed him again before Dean felt the bed shift and he opened his eyes. "Then it will be that way, every time."

"Where are you going?" Dean asked sleepily.

"To get a rag." Cas said with a smile before grabbing at his suit pants.

"Don't. Please. I finally got you out of that thing. Grab some of my PJ's and the shirt off the floor and then come get your pretty naked ass back into bed." Dean said as he collapsed back on his pillows. He felt so light and so ready, like nothing would ever break him down again. It was funny how having someone else's love, someone outside the family, was so different. Dean laughed at himself softly, cursing all the previous rants he had given about always being alone or never finding his soul mate. Soul mates can apparently come from everywhere, even a supernatural being who looks so perfect impaled on a nice hard cock with an 8 foot wings spreading out because sex feels so damn good. Dean smiled and moaned, hearing Cas walk back into his room and lock the door again. He felt the mattress dip, and a warm cloth gently wiping the dried cum off his chest.

"I love you, Dean." Cas whispered before cuddling up next to him and wrapping his long, strong limbs around Dean. Almost like protection.

"I love you too, Cas." Dean said, kissing Cas where ever he could reach. Tomorrow, they would wake up and face the world. Go back to saving people and hunting things. They would climb back into the Impala and drive off, looking for the way to end the madness and to close the gates of Hell forever. Dean sighed happily, feeling Cas' body get heavier as he fell asleep. Dean knew now that he could face it, that no matter what, he would always have Cas by his side. No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know I can continue this and it was originally started at the beginning of season 8 so EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT NOW. but fluffy ending. and some sex. thanks for reading guys!


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